Friday, June 01, 2007

Alcoholic Dilusions

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

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