Alcoholic Dilusions

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

Spewing Unmentionables

I have been suffering bouts of nausea the last couple days. Trying to determine the cause has proved difficult. Week old egg salad that looked and smelt edible? Town water that has been under a "boil advisory" since April 27th? Yes, I did have a glass or two in hopes that the letter stating the chlorine has reached a satisfactory level missed my mail box after almost a month. Coffee? My java fixes in the mornings always send my tummy gurgling and other things running. Too many cigarettes...? I really can not pin point the culprit but I feel like I could vomit at any given moment and how I cringe at the thought.

I don't suppose anyone really enjoys "throwing up" but I especially try to avoid it at all costs, even if I know I will feel better afterwards. I realize it's my body's way of getting rid of the unwanted but the sensation of things that are meant to stay down coming back up in my throat and mouth...well, it's understandable.

From past encounters with stomach acid and other unmentionables I will never ever try to out drink a man who is almost double my weight again. I now know my alcohol limit (no mixing!) and will never cross that line and humiliate myself in the attempt to prove I can not only hold my vodka coolers but shots of sour puss and black and white russians - because quite obviously I will fail. Subway was a waste of $10 that night! Nor will I ever eat sausages from a concession booth, especially if I am the one cooking them.

After 4 long rainy, dreary days the skies are finally clear and the sun is shining. I would love to take the boys for a walk but the nausea has me weak and I fear being too far from a toilet.

Oh the irony...