Contemplations of a Frantic Mind/Footprints on my Heart

I realize that everyone has the prerogative to change their minds. Mine was rather drastic after being so dead set against certain things and I suppose I felt a sense of humility over it. To be so sure about one thing only to take a tumble towards the exact opposite is humbly human yet I'm finding it difficult still to fall completely into the place I opened myself up for.

Everything this time has been refreshingly different from the others. From a purely platonic friendship where the slightest indication of intimate physical contact was abolished for 6 months to all forms of contiguity within a weeks time is a transition I am still trying to grasp yet it's as though I am finally set free.

Never have I dug so deep into the reasons for my actions. Why am I - was I being so cautious? Have I really grown this much that I am taking every precaution, to be sure I am getting into this for the correct reasons and not because I feel a sense of duty to a man who feels so strongly towards me? While it had crossed my mind I certainly believe there is no deed to be done. Everything up until this point has been on my own terms, whether the cat initiated it or not, whatever happened happened because I wanted it to.

When discovering the bigger picture the cat holds all the qualities, even some quirks which I had been picking at, using to convince myself that he was the wrong kind of cat for me. Appearances are deceiving but behind misty blues and the warmth of an expression lies so much more when given the chance to make themselves known.

No Pictures, Only Words

While basking in the after-glow of my coastal journey Friday afternoon, as well as the glimmer of the few events that have taken place since, I've realized a few things. Thus my absence from the blogosphere - my brain and emotions have been on hiatus and until I could make sense of it all there were no words to write.

I'm currently singing to a different tune, a change of heart you could say. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't giving the cat a chance. I had been closing myself off completely and the moment I allowed myself to open up everything appeared so differently.

I suppose it was the boat, meeting his friends and family, experiencing the other facets that make the cat who he is that done it. We have become quite close (everything that implies is true) since Friday and I have no regrets or hesitations. While it's not love, yet, it's something and something I have been denying myself of these past months.

Whether it was fear or just not wanting to jump into something I was not ready for I do not know but now that I'm here I'm not looking back.

Time Stands Still When Thoughts Run Amuck

Mom suggested I have a "me day" today, curl up on the sofa and veg as I wasn't quite feeling up to par, rather sluggish, not myself. It was a fantastic idea but I was restless and I knew the longer I stayed in one place the more I would think and thinking always seems to get me into trouble. My solution? I cleaned.

It was already my designated laundry day so I stepped it up a notch as a fresh home always makes me feel better, not to mention proud. However folding clothes, swiffering the floors, wiping down the fridge did not stop my mind.

When the cat called a couple nights ago around 10pm from the boat asking if he could spend the night as he was heading back out the following morning for the day I was annoyed. The emotional flux I had been experiencing should have been a warning of things to come but it was not and when he appeared at the top of the basement stairs at 1am, smiling and happy to see me my animosity was clearly visible.

"I should've stayed home rather than torment you," he joked.
"No, no. It's alright." But it wasn't.

I'm a softy, a push-over and after everything he's done for me, for us I knew I would've felt guilty if I had said no but I was not in the spirit for company and went straight to bed. Well, not before a hug and neck smooch of course. The next morning only added fuel to the fire as around 6:30am I was disturbed by the loud creaking and banging of large boulders being picked up and dropped into a dump truck right outside my bedroom window. This continued all day.

I expected the cat to be gone when I descended the stairs but peacefully on the sofa he lay. We had our daybreak fixes together and off he went. I did not arise to see him out and there was no see ya later hug.

The following days there were no phone calls or appearances at my door. I began to wonder if my point had been made albeit not in the way I had intended it to. I went through a fanatical blur figuring he was angry with me or thought I didn't want to see him again and as always I overreacted.

He's a fisherman after all and does not have to answer to me although he usually does. Words are spoken daily, if not in person over the phone. He calls to let me know when he's on his way out, he calls to let me know when he's on his way in but he explained tonight that he's been busy and his cell was out of range.

Some times the things we want and the things we do not want are one in the same.

Nothing Less of Fragile.

I'm not going to pretend. Pretending is for amateurs. Truth? Four posts in one day equals pathetic but here I am.

Mom's going to be home from work soon and I'm going to miss my nightly escape with Phoenix due to BINGO with Gramma. Spending money trying to win some, the odds are less than likely but I'm going anyways. The BINGO hall is the only public place where smoking indoors is permitted and the funk of a hundred or so elderly persons actually over powers the smell of tobacco.

Go figure.

Phoenix Rising

I'm on a roll and can't seem to stop. I've had so much to say and nowhere to say it that it's all been bundled up, screaming to see the light of day.

Phoenix has been my saviour through all of this. A dog yes but without his constant love and friendship I'd be totally alone. I'm planning for my next tattoo - a phoenix bird from which he was named. Symbolism of rebirth, the Phoenix burns itself in flames (fire being my element) and rises out of the ashes anew. My inspiration and source of strength to see through the upcoming years.