My Past vs My Present

I just spent an hour or so flipping through the pages of another online diary of mine that I conveniently abandoned almost two years ago (amazing it still exists). What is also amazing is seeing in written form the kind of person I was back then. I seriously pulled a 360.

I may have transformed for the better but there are some aspects of that life that I miss now. Feeling the fire in my fingertips. Maybe I'm just a little rusty but I was quite impressed with the colourful, albeit dark entries I created. Many of the great artists (Vincent van Gogh), poets (Sylvia Plath) and musicians (Wolfgang Mozart) of the past suffered from depression. While I do not miss the emotions that come with depression I do miss the creative spark.

I honestly do not know how to write "happy" entries. Everything I've known has been filled with anger and sadness - confusion and doubt. Writing was my outlet, my escape from those emotions. I no longer feel that way so a question arises... What now?

There has been many a night I have sat in front of this screen, wanting to feel alive again (as I did when I was writing) but I was blank. I am not without inspiration but happiness has been absent from my vocabulary and affections for so long I'm not sure what to do with it. Perhaps once I get to truly know happiness and experience all it has to offer maybe then the fire will return.

Until then I suppose I will experiment.

It's a Beautiful Sunset...

I'm overwhelmed by the emotions freedom has graced me with. Mom and I said our good-byes yesterday afternoon at the airport after 26 years of togetherness - the last 6 months were 24/7 - today marking the first day of the rest of my life.

Mine. All decisions and responsibilies now lie on my shoulders. Am I the least bit worried? Not at all. I've been wanting this for awhile now but I've realized I wasn't completely ready until now. Although they weren't written all that long ago, looking back on the few previous posts I'm extremely proud of how I've grown. These past few months have been nothing short of [insert positive word(s) of choice here].

This house is pure symbolism of our/my journey. For all the renovations and changes we made here I made just as many within myself. Good-byes are never easy and I will and do miss my Mom very much but this life-changing experience was the best decision we could've made.

Selling My Current Life. Any Takers?

The past few months I've been up to my elbows in shit. I'm exhausted on so many levels. A whirlwind of emotions.

Our home of 13 years is up for sale. How do I really feel about that? I'm excited, nervous, scared, stressed... 'cause I know what comes next.

I'm not a fan of change but when you consider your current existence a life of bullshit, constant complaining and unhappiness change is all you can do. So, when all's said and done, I'll be out of province, over a day away to the east coast. I've never lived any where but here but people do this all the time. I'm beginning to realize why.

Away from the masses, the busy bustle of every day city life and I don't live in any hugely populated city either. Compared to some around here this is nothing but enough's enough and I've had it. Where I'm going is anything but busy, the kind of life I've been dreaming of.

However, it all looks fantastic through my minds eye. But what if, what if, what if??? There's no room for what if on our moving truck. It's not do or die, it's just do period and do so it works.

The house we want is cheaply amazing. Our backyard is basically the Atlantic ocean. That is the view from the kitchen/dining room windows. Maybe I won't mind doing dishes so much. Maybe I won't mind a lot of things.