Resurrected

Special thanks to Addie and Emily for their comments of encouragement. I apologize for leaving things as I did.

It's been awhile, like always. I will not give my word but I will promise to try. I admit, I've missed this, I've needed it but couldn't find the courage to return. Strange as this is the place I've always felt so safe. I suppose the obstacle wasn't dealing with the after-math but the judgements placed on me when I say that The Cat and I are still together. I wasn't strong enough to handle those criticisms properly and I know the thoughts of how could you?... what are you thinking?... he will do it again... or various forms of the like will cross some minds. I figure as much as that is what I would think.

The confrontation was anything but easy. It's been so long that I've whisked the details under the carpet but I remember that and how he stood outside (because I blocked his entrance) hands deep in his pockets, eyes to the ground shuffling his feet like a boy who had been caught stealing money from his dad.

It took some time but I'm okay, we're okay and he hasn't turned into a repeat offender. In fact, he's been a pussy cat. Today is our first year anniversary.

Violated

Sexual assault isn't very pretty but compared to 'rape' and all the violent connotations connected to 'rape', 'sexual assault' is an easier pill to swallow or so the woman on the other end of crisis line suggested to me and I agree.

For years I fantasized about being raped. It was my dark, dirty secret. Something about losing control, being forced was hot to me. It's not hot any more. I will never fantasize about it again because I've been there.

There may not have been any violence, force or threats but I did say I wasn't ready yet he did it any ways. I did say I wasn't comfortable with his brother downstairs yet he pushed for it and pushed for it until I gave in. This happening with someone you love and care about who was supposed to love and care about you feels worse than if it was with a stranger who had used violence.

I'm so lost, confused and extremely hurt that this happened. The morning after he left to go moose hunting, today was the first I heard from him in 3 days. I had a feeling it was him when the phone rang and let the voicemail pick it up. Hearing his recorded voice sent me into tears, I couldn't bare to listen.

It's hard to talk to people and act like every thing's alright. It's exhausting. Mom can usually tell when some thing's wrong just by my voice, she hasn't said anything yet. I guess I'm great at faking it when it really matters.

I'm scatter brained. I don't know what I'm going to do.