Resurrected

Special thanks to Addie and Emily for their comments of encouragement. I apologize for leaving things as I did.

It's been awhile, like always. I will not give my word but I will promise to try. I admit, I've missed this, I've needed it but couldn't find the courage to return. Strange as this is the place I've always felt so safe. I suppose the obstacle wasn't dealing with the after-math but the judgements placed on me when I say that The Cat and I are still together. I wasn't strong enough to handle those criticisms properly and I know the thoughts of how could you?... what are you thinking?... he will do it again... or various forms of the like will cross some minds. I figure as much as that is what I would think.

The confrontation was anything but easy. It's been so long that I've whisked the details under the carpet but I remember that and how he stood outside (because I blocked his entrance) hands deep in his pockets, eyes to the ground shuffling his feet like a boy who had been caught stealing money from his dad.

It took some time but I'm okay, we're okay and he hasn't turned into a repeat offender. In fact, he's been a pussy cat. Today is our first year anniversary.

Violated

Sexual assault isn't very pretty but compared to 'rape' and all the violent connotations connected to 'rape', 'sexual assault' is an easier pill to swallow or so the woman on the other end of crisis line suggested to me and I agree.

For years I fantasized about being raped. It was my dark, dirty secret. Something about losing control, being forced was hot to me. It's not hot any more. I will never fantasize about it again because I've been there.

There may not have been any violence, force or threats but I did say I wasn't ready yet he did it any ways. I did say I wasn't comfortable with his brother downstairs yet he pushed for it and pushed for it until I gave in. This happening with someone you love and care about who was supposed to love and care about you feels worse than if it was with a stranger who had used violence.

I'm so lost, confused and extremely hurt that this happened. The morning after he left to go moose hunting, today was the first I heard from him in 3 days. I had a feeling it was him when the phone rang and let the voicemail pick it up. Hearing his recorded voice sent me into tears, I couldn't bare to listen.

It's hard to talk to people and act like every thing's alright. It's exhausting. Mom can usually tell when some thing's wrong just by my voice, she hasn't said anything yet. I guess I'm great at faking it when it really matters.

I'm scatter brained. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Googling the Future - D'OH

I have realized the true importance of thinking before I speak. I am so grateful the cat is away or he would've heard my premature wrath of fulishness and a whiny, needy brat I would've made myself out to be and for good reason.

Today I have asked the question on Y!A (the answers I received being less than reassuring which brought me to tears), reflected on my needs and what I really want out of this relationship and did some soul and Google searching as well. Yes, I Googled 'workaholic boyfriend' and what I found made me pull a Homer Simpson and I smacked myself in the head for being so pathetically juvenile. Whoever would've thought Google could save a relationship?

What I previously thought wasn't enough is more than sufficient. Hey, I am a woman. I have the prerogative to change my mind more than once and back again. When I look at all those things now I see his effort. I'm not involved with no doctor who is on call 24/7 and works crazy hours. The cat is here for almost every meal and almost always helps me with the dishes. He's home every night at a fairly reasonable time. He includes me when possible. If I can go too he asks whether it's a afternoon trip to pick up lumber or around the corner to the hardware store. I know that when I really need him he will be there - no matter what he's just a phone call away. What he does really is for us. He may not be home to do the kind of things I would like to do but he still comes home. That's my compromise. Giving up the small things for the big things in the future.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

It's 'ot in 'ere, b'y!

I have a confession. Time to loosen up the tie and wipe my brow. I have lied to you. When I said "I wouldn't have it any other way" in my last post I knew even as I typed it it wasn't true but I didn't want to come off as needy or expecting too much from the cat knowing this is the way it is. It's the life style and it's not going to change, I realize that so I have been doing some serious contemplating.

The cat left early Sunday afternoon to go moose hunting. Being on my own and being alone is nothing new although the bed is awfully big for just me. There is no set time for his return. No date to look forward to. I'll see him when he gets here after he gets what he went looking for.

"If we were together all the time we'd get sick of each other." I suppose part of that is true but every relationship needs some time and with our lack of it I feel like I'm drifting. I know he loves me and he tries in small ways to make up for his absence but it's just not enough for me. The only time I feel close to him is when we're sleeping.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and on a whim say "lets go some where" and he be completely up for it but I know he'll say he has too much to do. Any place I wish to go I will go alone. Any thing I wish to do will be done alone. I want someone to share and experience life with, not enjoy it single handily and tell him about it afterwards.

I have invited the cat to join the boys and myself on our walk to The Pond. He declined to see his boys. I asked him if he would be interested in going hiking with me. "Sure, when I get straightened out." He's still crooked. Over a month ago he said we would take the boys to Fogo Island when he got back from his week long fishing trip in Bonavista. I still haven't seen Fogo.

"You're hardly home..."
"What I do is for us. I thought you understood."

I do understand. I understand that you do not have time for us nor have any desire to make the time unless it's on Sunday. I understand that I love you but I'm not happy.

Sundays are the Cat's Meow

Sunday, the day of rest is taken very literally here in Newfoundland. Nothing more than leisure activities and the large Sunday dinner which is enjoyed around noon or after Church takes place on Sundays. Any voluntary labour is abolished unless of course its mandatory paid labour. Back home Sundays were just like Mondays. Lawns were mowed, laundry was washed and any thing else that had to be done was accomplished on Sundays, just like any other day. No rest, only work.

After a long hard week, Sundays are the only day most people take off to enjoy with friends and family. We sleep in but not too late as to miss our dinner of roast beef and salt beef, "titties" or potatoes, veggies - usually turnip and carrots, pea pudding, bread-like pudding and of course, gravy. The cat and I usually take a drive on Sundays and usually it is raining. This is our day together, one day a week where we do something other than what is needed to be done. Last Sunday with his brother and sister-in-law we went blueberry picking near his parents cabin.

Days and evenings with the cat have become routine. Only 2 months and already I'm using the dreaded "R" word. Sundays I look forward to. They are different, they are fun, they do not involve work of any kind although the cat sometimes speaks of it. During the week the cat calls himself busy, I secretly call him a workaholic however the work he does he receives no pay unless he is out at sea. Whether he's helping a buddy, his brother or himself to make a buck later on life with a fisherman is a full list of to-do's. Even when one task is completed and checked off another takes its place. This would be my only complaint and a complaint that will go unheard.

An outdoor cat you can not shut in. He craves the wilderness and the hard work it takes to survive, it's in his blood. If you must only know one thing about this kind of cat to understand him it would be that. There is no hope to change him, nor would you want to. It would break his spirit and only an empty shell would remain.

There is great gain in accepting this kind of cat into your heart. He is exceptionally loyal, caring and giving. When needed his time is yours. The little things are most important and the little things he does willingly without request.

While this life is still new and I am still learning - learning to accept, learning to adjust - I wouldn't have it any other way.

Begin Again

Summer magic.

That's what it was and will continue to be. As we raked in the grass we pulled in our love - close, bonded, meshed together in one big mess. As Fall breaches and Summer slowly fades away, another season and we begin again this time multi-coloured, multi-faceted. Stronger because of the downs, higher because of the ups and there were many many more ups. That's what life is about. Learning as we go, falling as we fail. Whether we pick our own selves up or with the help of an out reached hand we always begin again.

Love. Love. Love.

I still do not understand it albeit I am living it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and space divides. Too much absence, too much space and we become the unknown. 99% work, 1% play. So much for 50/50 yet I accept it. I admire his motivation, his drive, his eagerness to accomplish the task(s) at hand. Late nights and I wait. His drive drives me over the edge. I some times want to scream RELAX! Put your mind at ease for once, stop thinking and enjoy but I know joy comes eventually whether it's a midnight frolic in the sheets or a breath of salt water air in open sea. There's some thing for him, there's some thing for me and there's some thing for us.

He always comes home to me.

Monday Melee #2

According to Roget’s Thesaurus, a melee is anything from a fight or a brawl (or hmm.. a fracas) to a list of odds and ends, a potpourri or assortment of something, a mixture, a variety… even a salad.

So each Monday, I and those participating, will use the following and appropriately assorted prompts, to create a post of interest.

1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

Our stereotypical nature. Does it help to make sense of things we just can not understand by immediately placing people under categories simply by first impressions or glances?

Waitressing was a job I was considering upon arriving here in Newfoundland and applied at a near-by restaurant. An interview shortly followed but no call backs. I had later found out that the same place is in desperate need of help and was left confused until a friend of a friend whom works there called and broke the news.

Previously my face had been adorned in piercings, 3 plus my tongue. All, save for my nostril piercing, I have since retired as I have grown out of them - this being the reason I was not hired. My would-be boss offered no compromises, no declarations that the position could be mine if I would be willing to take them out (which I gladly would have).

My personal view on the situation is that I was not given a chance because he automatically assumed I fall under the oh-so-common labels that those with body modifications seem to unjustly fall under: rebels, irresponsible no-gooders, punks, gangsters, etc.

While I am in need of work and he is in need of workers I will not lower myself to his level.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

I believe the above person fits snugly here as well.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

I am unhappy that I have not found a job yet. I am unhappy that because I am currently on a leave of absence from my job back home I am unable to apply for the line of credit I so desperately need to lower my monthly payments on an existing loan.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

The cat for his patience, his willingness to help in whatever way he can, for thinking of me, getting me out of the house, showing me all these new and exciting Newfie experiences, for introducing me to his friends who are now my own. For being the wonderful person that he is.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

The responsible person I have become. My procrastination days are slowly fading into the past.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

After the last 250 or so cigarettes that I have left, I wish that the detox process will be quick and painless and my transition back to a non-smoker will be a rewarding and life long experience.

Oh, and of course, to find a job - soon!

Contemplations of a Frantic Mind/Footprints on my Heart

I realize that everyone has the prerogative to change their minds. Mine was rather drastic after being so dead set against certain things and I suppose I felt a sense of humility over it. To be so sure about one thing only to take a tumble towards the exact opposite is humbly human yet I'm finding it difficult still to fall completely into the place I opened myself up for.

Everything this time has been refreshingly different from the others. From a purely platonic friendship where the slightest indication of intimate physical contact was abolished for 6 months to all forms of contiguity within a weeks time is a transition I am still trying to grasp yet it's as though I am finally set free.

Never have I dug so deep into the reasons for my actions. Why am I - was I being so cautious? Have I really grown this much that I am taking every precaution, to be sure I am getting into this for the correct reasons and not because I feel a sense of duty to a man who feels so strongly towards me? While it had crossed my mind I certainly believe there is no deed to be done. Everything up until this point has been on my own terms, whether the cat initiated it or not, whatever happened happened because I wanted it to.

When discovering the bigger picture the cat holds all the qualities, even some quirks which I had been picking at, using to convince myself that he was the wrong kind of cat for me. Appearances are deceiving but behind misty blues and the warmth of an expression lies so much more when given the chance to make themselves known.

No Pictures, Only Words

While basking in the after-glow of my coastal journey Friday afternoon, as well as the glimmer of the few events that have taken place since, I've realized a few things. Thus my absence from the blogosphere - my brain and emotions have been on hiatus and until I could make sense of it all there were no words to write.

I'm currently singing to a different tune, a change of heart you could say. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't giving the cat a chance. I had been closing myself off completely and the moment I allowed myself to open up everything appeared so differently.

I suppose it was the boat, meeting his friends and family, experiencing the other facets that make the cat who he is that done it. We have become quite close (everything that implies is true) since Friday and I have no regrets or hesitations. While it's not love, yet, it's something and something I have been denying myself of these past months.

Whether it was fear or just not wanting to jump into something I was not ready for I do not know but now that I'm here I'm not looking back.

Closer to the Gods

I've often wondered if the locals, specifically the fishermen and women, ever tire of their surroundings. Day in and day out bobbing in open water. If any of these fortunate few feel a shred of the emotion I did today while joy riding along the coast the answer would be they are home.

When the cat appeared at my door after being MIA for a week I was happy and happier yet when he invited me to spend the afternoon on his speed boat. Like a typical tourist camera in hand and sandals on foot I climbed down the wharf into the boat like a pro, well, with a little assistance. I couldn't contain my excitement and laughed hysterically for the first 5 minutes. I was a kid in a candy shop.

That excitement soon turned into sheer awe. Never have I felt so alive, so free as I did today.

Rugged, rustic and rough landscapes and terrain, everything I love.

The Gods in the form of a giant wall of ice.

The turquoise coloured water is the greater part of the berg below the ocean's surface.

Shallow water, pretty stones.

Introspective, soaking it all in.

Save for another fisherman checking his lobster pots and a friend of the cat's who we met up with along the way we were virtually alone. Similar to peering into a star studded sky, we were minuscule, owned by the great vastness of the deep blue and its current icy occupants.

Reality check checked.

Time Stands Still When Thoughts Run Amuck

Mom suggested I have a "me day" today, curl up on the sofa and veg as I wasn't quite feeling up to par, rather sluggish, not myself. It was a fantastic idea but I was restless and I knew the longer I stayed in one place the more I would think and thinking always seems to get me into trouble. My solution? I cleaned.

It was already my designated laundry day so I stepped it up a notch as a fresh home always makes me feel better, not to mention proud. However folding clothes, swiffering the floors, wiping down the fridge did not stop my mind.

When the cat called a couple nights ago around 10pm from the boat asking if he could spend the night as he was heading back out the following morning for the day I was annoyed. The emotional flux I had been experiencing should have been a warning of things to come but it was not and when he appeared at the top of the basement stairs at 1am, smiling and happy to see me my animosity was clearly visible.

"I should've stayed home rather than torment you," he joked.
"No, no. It's alright." But it wasn't.

I'm a softy, a push-over and after everything he's done for me, for us I knew I would've felt guilty if I had said no but I was not in the spirit for company and went straight to bed. Well, not before a hug and neck smooch of course. The next morning only added fuel to the fire as around 6:30am I was disturbed by the loud creaking and banging of large boulders being picked up and dropped into a dump truck right outside my bedroom window. This continued all day.

I expected the cat to be gone when I descended the stairs but peacefully on the sofa he lay. We had our daybreak fixes together and off he went. I did not arise to see him out and there was no see ya later hug.

The following days there were no phone calls or appearances at my door. I began to wonder if my point had been made albeit not in the way I had intended it to. I went through a fanatical blur figuring he was angry with me or thought I didn't want to see him again and as always I overreacted.

He's a fisherman after all and does not have to answer to me although he usually does. Words are spoken daily, if not in person over the phone. He calls to let me know when he's on his way out, he calls to let me know when he's on his way in but he explained tonight that he's been busy and his cell was out of range.

Some times the things we want and the things we do not want are one in the same.

The L-Word - A Stone's Throw from Evanescence

Love is thrown about carelessly. The givers and takers often make dead end promises to add icing on the cake. I will love you forever! I will never marry anyone else if something happens to us... *Insert swoon response.* What girl wouldn't melt hearing rubbish like that? I found out not long ago that he's engaged again. Words carry little weight with me. Promises are taken just as lightly. My current attitude towards the trend and trail of broken marriage vows happening in today's society. I've learned to distrust almost everything that breeds from love.

So when the cat confessed his love for me last night my initial reaction was really in the same monotone as bull shit. As all the initials surrounded by pretty hearts scribbled in subways and notebooks only mark a moment in time, the singular permanent token of devotion, his declaration is transitory.

This is not to say I will avoid love in my life - I am not bitter. I do hope to find it some day but all that love encompasses will be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing is eternal except all the carvings in the barks of trees.

Alcoholic Dilusions

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

Saggy Bottoms and Toothless Grins

I've been noticing lately that all of my pants are now offering the saggy bottom effect. I'm sure it looks like I'm trying to fit in with the cool guys, y'know the ones, they all wear their asses around their knees. That is a little exaggerated, my jeans don't hang that low but it makes me giddy none-the-less 'cause it means I'm losing weight. I don't have a single scale in the house to verify it but my jeans had always fit snug and snugger after washing them. Now they pull on with ease plus room to spare.

Food was my #1 past time back home. I was always eating something whether it was out of boredom or just for comfort. Now I eat because I'm actually hungry. Now I can tell you exactly what I've had throughout the day when before I couldn't keep track. There's still a bag of Lays in the cupboard that Mom bought a couple weeks ago, untouched. Back home they would've been gone in a couple hours.

Not having any fast food chains around here has also helped. I can count on both hands the number of times I've had take-out in 6 months. I still drink pop, still eat chocolate but I get full so fast that everything lasts so much longer. I don't strive to finish something once it has been opened. I'm quite satisfied with a couple or a little bit which is another turn around for me and it feels amazing.

The cat came over last night. Bought me caramel baileys and vodka after those being mentioned in random conversation. Hmmm. I gave him the news. He laughed it off and gave me a huge toothless smile, his eyes disappeared behind the wrinkles (his defence mechanism?) and proceeded to go in for the kill. My poor poor neck! A friend did say the men are pushy here. I thought it was going to take a bit more work on my part to get the point across but he called earlier today to apologize for everything and make sure I wasn't mad at him.

Another feel great moment. Damn, I'm having a fantastic day!

The Sweetheart

The cat left this afternoon on another crab catching expedition. He expects to be gone a couple days longer than the last trip and while I'm happy to be free of him visually he will be calling.

The opportunity arose to give my overly rehearsed speech but I cowardly kept silent. I was never any good at public speaking. He walked over from the fish plant a few minutes before he planned to depart so we could say our ritualistic see ya's and take cares. I saw him coming and became a blubber mouth. Everything I had been repeating through out the day vanished from memory. I considered not answering the door.

In my defense it really didn't feel right to have a conversation of that caliber within a 5-10 minute time frame and then send him off for a few days in the middle of a watery abyss to replay certain moments and wonder where he went wrong. On the other hand he's gone away believing we have something going on. He'll probably tell his crew (what else are they going to talk about, they already know about me) and they'll say how happy they are for him only to have to take it back next venture.

After small talk about the weather and many tension filled silences I surrendered to the embrace but turned my cheek to avoid the kiss... my neck once again the receiver and he happily went on his merry way.

I've asked myself many times how exactly all this came about and why he hasn't picked up on the many hints I've tried to give such as the distance I've always kept between us. Huge red flag wouldn't you say? My thought is that he believes I'm shy, reserved, the good kind of girl that doesn't move too quick or move at all therefore he's taken it upon himself to determine our fate.

Yeah, I'm your typical sweetheart alright. Excellent choice in pet names, cat. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Realm of Awkwardly Awkward

The cat is obviously oblivious to the strong pulling away feeling that one would naturally encounter when the other is in a position she - in my case - does not want to be in.

After an unwillingly progressive night last night in our friendship - from the needed hand holding while boat hopping to the revealing gesture of the cheek caress, my cheek at that - tonight I have found myself to be in the situation I have been dreading. The one that requires the ever heart breaking friend-speech.

While I have been a recipient of the speech I have never been a giver. I have broke hearts but with the clear intent to break all ties. This time I honestly want to remain friends, good friends if at all possible and I've come to realize now being in their shoes that the givers before me honestly did too.

However, after the cat made his move which was a hug followed by a swift neck to lip kiss, these being the first intimate forms of physical contact we have shared, I'm not entirely sure we will ever be the same. It would explain why I am not currently friends with any of my predecessors.

The Cat Called...

before entering the harbour, before docking, before unloading, before even walking through his front door...

My prediction was wrong. The cat just called to inform me that he's on his way in.

Am I seriously going to be getting the play by plays from the friendly neighbourhood tabby?

Of course I care for his well-being but his actions are those of a significant other in a committed relationship, which is a state of affairs that I am fully unaware we are in.

Will he be terribly disappointed if I'm not outside madly waving to him like a lover eagerly awaiting his arrival? Will his heart drop if I don't run to him arms open wide?

What have I done to make him believe this is what I want? I need to know so I can reverse the charges.

The Wrong Kind of Cat

The rough and tumble Alley cat, the short haired Heinz 57, the sneaky Siamese. I've met a few cats in my day but none quite measured up.

The boys are busy at the fish plant across the street. Trucks of all sizes pulling in, pulling out, reversing, braking, parking. Bianca's Dream will be making her way through the harbour later this evening. Dodging the bergs to dock after 2 days away. He'll unload his catch, get paid, pay his crew and jump in his pick-up. Maybe he'll look my way, see if I'm watching from the window, see if I'm watching for him. He might consider phoning me then, maybe even stop by but ultimately decide to wait until after he's had a good home cooked meal and a shower, only then will he call to let me know he made it home safe.

He's a good cat, no doubt about it. The kind of cat that will sit in your lap for hours purring loudly, kneading gently but plays it safe (would never catch him climbing to the highest branch of a evergreen). He knows when to keep his distance (would never push too hard or pull too close - he may, however, squeeze a little too tight).

Unfortunately, he's the wrong kind of cat for me.

Phantom Mom

It's been 4 days since Mom left and life on this side of Canada has continued as normal. Back in Ontario, however, it's a different story.

Mom is having a difficult time with our separation which is strange as I thought it would've been me phoning her every day just to hear her voice. I certainly felt the butterflies before Mom left. I really didn't know what to expect from solitude once she returned to Ontario but solitude has been surprisingly kind to me. I have experienced moments where around the corner I expected to find her, sitting on the sofa fiddling around on her computer as that spot she could most likely be found. Other than that it really hasn't been that big of an adjustment for me. I suppose reminding myself every day the last 6 months that soon enough I'll be on my own and I'll have only myself to rely on assisted in my adaptation.

Guilt hasn't plagued me either for not feeling any remorse for our parting ways. I do worry about her though. Apparently she can not step foot inside Wal Mart or a grocery store without tearing up as those spots we frequented together.

When Friends Turn

It's a pivotal moment when friends turn on you for no apparent reason. Your ideas and dreams suddenly seem ridiculous to them and unnecessary comments are made. You feel inferior when you know you're better than that. Their "worry" is more like disapproval and support of any kind is non-existent.

Intuition bleeds green.

Envy is a dangerous feeling. It can tear relationships to shreds (as I'm currently experiencing). I can only suspect envy as the culprit for my friends surprising and hurtful behaviour but it makes a lot of sense.

I don't have anyone I need to answer to or children I need to tend to. I'm going some where in my life not many people can and I have the guts to do it.

It hurts when you finally realize the friends you thought you had were never friends at all.