Googling the Future - D'OH

I have realized the true importance of thinking before I speak. I am so grateful the cat is away or he would've heard my premature wrath of fulishness and a whiny, needy brat I would've made myself out to be and for good reason.

Today I have asked the question on Y!A (the answers I received being less than reassuring which brought me to tears), reflected on my needs and what I really want out of this relationship and did some soul and Google searching as well. Yes, I Googled 'workaholic boyfriend' and what I found made me pull a Homer Simpson and I smacked myself in the head for being so pathetically juvenile. Whoever would've thought Google could save a relationship?

What I previously thought wasn't enough is more than sufficient. Hey, I am a woman. I have the prerogative to change my mind more than once and back again. When I look at all those things now I see his effort. I'm not involved with no doctor who is on call 24/7 and works crazy hours. The cat is here for almost every meal and almost always helps me with the dishes. He's home every night at a fairly reasonable time. He includes me when possible. If I can go too he asks whether it's a afternoon trip to pick up lumber or around the corner to the hardware store. I know that when I really need him he will be there - no matter what he's just a phone call away. What he does really is for us. He may not be home to do the kind of things I would like to do but he still comes home. That's my compromise. Giving up the small things for the big things in the future.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

It's 'ot in 'ere, b'y!

I have a confession. Time to loosen up the tie and wipe my brow. I have lied to you. When I said "I wouldn't have it any other way" in my last post I knew even as I typed it it wasn't true but I didn't want to come off as needy or expecting too much from the cat knowing this is the way it is. It's the life style and it's not going to change, I realize that so I have been doing some serious contemplating.

The cat left early Sunday afternoon to go moose hunting. Being on my own and being alone is nothing new although the bed is awfully big for just me. There is no set time for his return. No date to look forward to. I'll see him when he gets here after he gets what he went looking for.

"If we were together all the time we'd get sick of each other." I suppose part of that is true but every relationship needs some time and with our lack of it I feel like I'm drifting. I know he loves me and he tries in small ways to make up for his absence but it's just not enough for me. The only time I feel close to him is when we're sleeping.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and on a whim say "lets go some where" and he be completely up for it but I know he'll say he has too much to do. Any place I wish to go I will go alone. Any thing I wish to do will be done alone. I want someone to share and experience life with, not enjoy it single handily and tell him about it afterwards.

I have invited the cat to join the boys and myself on our walk to The Pond. He declined to see his boys. I asked him if he would be interested in going hiking with me. "Sure, when I get straightened out." He's still crooked. Over a month ago he said we would take the boys to Fogo Island when he got back from his week long fishing trip in Bonavista. I still haven't seen Fogo.

"You're hardly home..."
"What I do is for us. I thought you understood."

I do understand. I understand that you do not have time for us nor have any desire to make the time unless it's on Sunday. I understand that I love you but I'm not happy.

Begin Again

Summer magic.

That's what it was and will continue to be. As we raked in the grass we pulled in our love - close, bonded, meshed together in one big mess. As Fall breaches and Summer slowly fades away, another season and we begin again this time multi-coloured, multi-faceted. Stronger because of the downs, higher because of the ups and there were many many more ups. That's what life is about. Learning as we go, falling as we fail. Whether we pick our own selves up or with the help of an out reached hand we always begin again.

Love. Love. Love.

I still do not understand it albeit I am living it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and space divides. Too much absence, too much space and we become the unknown. 99% work, 1% play. So much for 50/50 yet I accept it. I admire his motivation, his drive, his eagerness to accomplish the task(s) at hand. Late nights and I wait. His drive drives me over the edge. I some times want to scream RELAX! Put your mind at ease for once, stop thinking and enjoy but I know joy comes eventually whether it's a midnight frolic in the sheets or a breath of salt water air in open sea. There's some thing for him, there's some thing for me and there's some thing for us.

He always comes home to me.

Contemplations of a Frantic Mind/Footprints on my Heart

I realize that everyone has the prerogative to change their minds. Mine was rather drastic after being so dead set against certain things and I suppose I felt a sense of humility over it. To be so sure about one thing only to take a tumble towards the exact opposite is humbly human yet I'm finding it difficult still to fall completely into the place I opened myself up for.

Everything this time has been refreshingly different from the others. From a purely platonic friendship where the slightest indication of intimate physical contact was abolished for 6 months to all forms of contiguity within a weeks time is a transition I am still trying to grasp yet it's as though I am finally set free.

Never have I dug so deep into the reasons for my actions. Why am I - was I being so cautious? Have I really grown this much that I am taking every precaution, to be sure I am getting into this for the correct reasons and not because I feel a sense of duty to a man who feels so strongly towards me? While it had crossed my mind I certainly believe there is no deed to be done. Everything up until this point has been on my own terms, whether the cat initiated it or not, whatever happened happened because I wanted it to.

When discovering the bigger picture the cat holds all the qualities, even some quirks which I had been picking at, using to convince myself that he was the wrong kind of cat for me. Appearances are deceiving but behind misty blues and the warmth of an expression lies so much more when given the chance to make themselves known.

No Pictures, Only Words

While basking in the after-glow of my coastal journey Friday afternoon, as well as the glimmer of the few events that have taken place since, I've realized a few things. Thus my absence from the blogosphere - my brain and emotions have been on hiatus and until I could make sense of it all there were no words to write.

I'm currently singing to a different tune, a change of heart you could say. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't giving the cat a chance. I had been closing myself off completely and the moment I allowed myself to open up everything appeared so differently.

I suppose it was the boat, meeting his friends and family, experiencing the other facets that make the cat who he is that done it. We have become quite close (everything that implies is true) since Friday and I have no regrets or hesitations. While it's not love, yet, it's something and something I have been denying myself of these past months.

Whether it was fear or just not wanting to jump into something I was not ready for I do not know but now that I'm here I'm not looking back.

Eternity ~Robert Bishop

"Have you ever wondered how you would get through a difficult time, or where life is leading you? Have you ever asked, why Lord, why me? Often, I like to go to the water’s edge to get the answers. The sound of the waves rippling along the shore, and the beauty of a peaceful sunset help to bring a calming mood.

As I began to paint “Eternity”, I focused on the sunset’s power over the early evening sky. The fiery sunset revealed two paths. One went straight to the sun. The other crossed the horizon and faded away. Life is a journey of daily steps and decisions that take us to our eternity.

Our chosen path leads us to or away from God’s revealing light. So often, we wonder which way to go. We search for answers, direction and purpose. When faced with life’s overwhelming situations, we may not understand why things have happened or what we are to do. We must remember that we are never alone. God is all around us. He will be there every step of the way. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” His path will sustain us through this life and lead to a wonderful Eternity!"
by Robert Bishop

I am not a Christian or Catholic or a believer in either as I am Pagan but this piece has always held a profound, magical meaning for me, even the scripture.

Eternity first made itself known to me 4 years ago at The Festival of Friends in Hamilton, Ontario. A festival both Mom and I looked forward to attending each and every year. It stuck with me as I now acknowledge it was a sign of the steps and decisions I would later make to determine my own Eternity.

I was pleased to see it again the following summer when I took the beautiful painting home. It now lives brightly on the wall beside my bed, complete with Robert Bishop's autograph and well wishes.

I have always been mesmerized by sunsets. Not so much the rises as I, myself, hardly rise early enough to take part. I look to the setting sun even more so now for peace and comfort and have been missing the warm rays and multi-coloured skies the last foggy couple of evenings.

Last night I suffered a spell of sadness and I am unclear as to why. I am where I've wanted to be, I am happy yet there is one thing missing. I have been spending some time turning to the past to find it, to relive those treasured moments and while the memories suffice, for now, it will not always be enough.

I was 17 when I first fell in love. It was passionate, wild, and adventurous - terrain I had never tread before. The summer after our first on the front porch of his brothers house with friends surrounding us, he lowered himself onto one knee.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you," he said, looking up at me and revealed a small black box. My heart thumped, brow instantly covered in sweat, knees ready to buckle. It was a moment I had not been ready for or even anticipated but dreamed of.

He opened the lid of the box and the ring that was tucked inside was not the kind of ring I had been expecting.

His lips parted and words fell out that I will never forget.

"Will you wear my toe-ring?"

My heart dropped and eyes watered. Our friends laughed at my surprise and obvious disappointment. The kind of ring I had hoped for I did not receive from him but the toe-ring I wore throughout the next 4 seasons until it met its demise and snapped into 2 pieces and ironically, not long after that, we went our separate ways.

That kind of love and passion I've yet to experience again but Eternity gives me the hope that I am on the right path and some where along the trail love will make itself known to me as the painting had all those years ago.

The L-Word - A Stone's Throw from Evanescence

Love is thrown about carelessly. The givers and takers often make dead end promises to add icing on the cake. I will love you forever! I will never marry anyone else if something happens to us... *Insert swoon response.* What girl wouldn't melt hearing rubbish like that? I found out not long ago that he's engaged again. Words carry little weight with me. Promises are taken just as lightly. My current attitude towards the trend and trail of broken marriage vows happening in today's society. I've learned to distrust almost everything that breeds from love.

So when the cat confessed his love for me last night my initial reaction was really in the same monotone as bull shit. As all the initials surrounded by pretty hearts scribbled in subways and notebooks only mark a moment in time, the singular permanent token of devotion, his declaration is transitory.

This is not to say I will avoid love in my life - I am not bitter. I do hope to find it some day but all that love encompasses will be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing is eternal except all the carvings in the barks of trees.