Discovering Splendor - "Hospital Pond"

It is the ideal day for laziness. The temperatures are soaring, rain is in the air and in the grey clouds that refuse to allow any sunlight to stream through. It is the perfect day for nothing and nothing I have done since I awoke shortly after 10 (it is now almost 3).

I am hoping that any drops that may fall will hold off until later this evening. While I do enjoy storms whether it's a light pitter-patter or heavy down pour complete with loud bangs and lightning shows I have found something to look forward to every day and the sky's tears - if they may fall - will keep me from it.

I used to take the 15 minute drive to a park back home almost every evening - weather permitting. It was my alone time albeit Phoenix was always by my side. We wandered that park for hours through the trees, over the hills and watched the children play on the monkey bars. Back then Phoenix remembered his tricks and off his lead he walked. He's a good boy but it's been awhile since those days and I'm nervous about trying it again.

This island of Newfoundland is full of treasured spots I've yet to discover but I have found one that is within walking distance from the house. Both boys and I have gone to "Hospital Pond" the last couple evenings. Last night one of the neighbourhood kid's, who has taken a liking to the boys, accompanied me and from the moment we left the house and arrived at the pond I was wishing to be alone.

The pond itself is crystal clear and completely surrounded by a gravel path which takes roughly 25 minutes to walk the perimeter. It's a wonderful area with benches and gazebo's to rest along the way. I found myself becoming lost in my thoughts but Brandon's complaints of his sandals and the stones between his toes pulled me back.

He's a good boy too and I should have been grateful for his being there. It's strange to want to be alone when I've been on my own now for the past 3 weeks. Hearing another voice other than my own should have been welcomed. I wanted friends, I suppose I just wasn't expecting a 12 year old to be one of them.

The coloured stones paint a pretty picture.

Cliche but if pictures are worth a 1000 words...

We all have places we go to escape, to gather our thoughts or to just enjoy ourselves and the scenery.

Where's your spot?

Alcoholic Dilusions

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

It's a Beautiful Sunset...

I'm overwhelmed by the emotions freedom has graced me with. Mom and I said our good-byes yesterday afternoon at the airport after 26 years of togetherness - the last 6 months were 24/7 - today marking the first day of the rest of my life.

Mine. All decisions and responsibilies now lie on my shoulders. Am I the least bit worried? Not at all. I've been wanting this for awhile now but I've realized I wasn't completely ready until now. Although they weren't written all that long ago, looking back on the few previous posts I'm extremely proud of how I've grown. These past few months have been nothing short of [insert positive word(s) of choice here].

This house is pure symbolism of our/my journey. For all the renovations and changes we made here I made just as many within myself. Good-byes are never easy and I will and do miss my Mom very much but this life-changing experience was the best decision we could've made.