The L-Word - A Stone's Throw from Evanescence

Love is thrown about carelessly. The givers and takers often make dead end promises to add icing on the cake. I will love you forever! I will never marry anyone else if something happens to us... *Insert swoon response.* What girl wouldn't melt hearing rubbish like that? I found out not long ago that he's engaged again. Words carry little weight with me. Promises are taken just as lightly. My current attitude towards the trend and trail of broken marriage vows happening in today's society. I've learned to distrust almost everything that breeds from love.

So when the cat confessed his love for me last night my initial reaction was really in the same monotone as bull shit. As all the initials surrounded by pretty hearts scribbled in subways and notebooks only mark a moment in time, the singular permanent token of devotion, his declaration is transitory.

This is not to say I will avoid love in my life - I am not bitter. I do hope to find it some day but all that love encompasses will be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing is eternal except all the carvings in the barks of trees.

Blog Moves - Seeking Inspiration from the Blogosphere

I'm introducing a new concept, mainly for myself to help beat writers block but others may be inclined to chime in as well. Actually, I'm betting it's already been thought of and I'm too slow on the take. If so please send me in the right direction.

The blogosphere is full of a variety of bloggers with many different ideas and views many of which come through in their choice of post topics. When we blog hop and come across a blog that we find compelling enough to continue with more than just the initial entry and maybe even worth an add to our Blog Roll for future access is it really because we're so intrigued with their life (similar to Y&R) or is it because we can relate to that person. Maybe it's none of the above.

Personally, I'm drawn to the blogs that move me. Lyrical posts, vibrant photos, thought provoking phrases. I've come away from these blogs swimming in my own introspection's and reveries but never considered writing about them, until now. Often I am stuck on what to write about. Daily happenings some times seem too mundane and writing about them is almost torturous. As a reader I wouldn't blame you for clicking the next blog button. Thus Blog Moves is born.

The idea is post in your own blog the moment you come across a post that catches your eye, makes you think, invokes emotion within Blogger. Whether you're inspired by a whole entry, a picture or a simple word write about it and link to the blog that moved you enough to create one of your own. Also, leave the author a comment to let s/he know that what they had to say inspired you and leave a link to your own entry. Who wouldn't want to hear positive feedback such as that? It will also attract more traffic to your page.

Inspiration comes in many forms. Your post may not relate or even respond to the blog (it doesn't have to) - it could be totally off the wall in comparison but that is the beauty of it, to have the freedom and ability to take your post as far from or keep it as close to the muse as you like.

Again, this is mainly for myself right now but if anyone does take interest please include some where in the title Blog Moves, link back to me and leave me a comment in the section connected to this post with the link to your Blog Moves post and title and I'll create a list.

Alcoholic Dilusions

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

Saggy Bottoms and Toothless Grins

I've been noticing lately that all of my pants are now offering the saggy bottom effect. I'm sure it looks like I'm trying to fit in with the cool guys, y'know the ones, they all wear their asses around their knees. That is a little exaggerated, my jeans don't hang that low but it makes me giddy none-the-less 'cause it means I'm losing weight. I don't have a single scale in the house to verify it but my jeans had always fit snug and snugger after washing them. Now they pull on with ease plus room to spare.

Food was my #1 past time back home. I was always eating something whether it was out of boredom or just for comfort. Now I eat because I'm actually hungry. Now I can tell you exactly what I've had throughout the day when before I couldn't keep track. There's still a bag of Lays in the cupboard that Mom bought a couple weeks ago, untouched. Back home they would've been gone in a couple hours.

Not having any fast food chains around here has also helped. I can count on both hands the number of times I've had take-out in 6 months. I still drink pop, still eat chocolate but I get full so fast that everything lasts so much longer. I don't strive to finish something once it has been opened. I'm quite satisfied with a couple or a little bit which is another turn around for me and it feels amazing.

The cat came over last night. Bought me caramel baileys and vodka after those being mentioned in random conversation. Hmmm. I gave him the news. He laughed it off and gave me a huge toothless smile, his eyes disappeared behind the wrinkles (his defence mechanism?) and proceeded to go in for the kill. My poor poor neck! A friend did say the men are pushy here. I thought it was going to take a bit more work on my part to get the point across but he called earlier today to apologize for everything and make sure I wasn't mad at him.

Another feel great moment. Damn, I'm having a fantastic day!

The Sweetheart

The cat left this afternoon on another crab catching expedition. He expects to be gone a couple days longer than the last trip and while I'm happy to be free of him visually he will be calling.

The opportunity arose to give my overly rehearsed speech but I cowardly kept silent. I was never any good at public speaking. He walked over from the fish plant a few minutes before he planned to depart so we could say our ritualistic see ya's and take cares. I saw him coming and became a blubber mouth. Everything I had been repeating through out the day vanished from memory. I considered not answering the door.

In my defense it really didn't feel right to have a conversation of that caliber within a 5-10 minute time frame and then send him off for a few days in the middle of a watery abyss to replay certain moments and wonder where he went wrong. On the other hand he's gone away believing we have something going on. He'll probably tell his crew (what else are they going to talk about, they already know about me) and they'll say how happy they are for him only to have to take it back next venture.

After small talk about the weather and many tension filled silences I surrendered to the embrace but turned my cheek to avoid the kiss... my neck once again the receiver and he happily went on his merry way.

I've asked myself many times how exactly all this came about and why he hasn't picked up on the many hints I've tried to give such as the distance I've always kept between us. Huge red flag wouldn't you say? My thought is that he believes I'm shy, reserved, the good kind of girl that doesn't move too quick or move at all therefore he's taken it upon himself to determine our fate.

Yeah, I'm your typical sweetheart alright. Excellent choice in pet names, cat. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Realm of Awkwardly Awkward

The cat is obviously oblivious to the strong pulling away feeling that one would naturally encounter when the other is in a position she - in my case - does not want to be in.

After an unwillingly progressive night last night in our friendship - from the needed hand holding while boat hopping to the revealing gesture of the cheek caress, my cheek at that - tonight I have found myself to be in the situation I have been dreading. The one that requires the ever heart breaking friend-speech.

While I have been a recipient of the speech I have never been a giver. I have broke hearts but with the clear intent to break all ties. This time I honestly want to remain friends, good friends if at all possible and I've come to realize now being in their shoes that the givers before me honestly did too.

However, after the cat made his move which was a hug followed by a swift neck to lip kiss, these being the first intimate forms of physical contact we have shared, I'm not entirely sure we will ever be the same. It would explain why I am not currently friends with any of my predecessors.

The Cat Called...

before entering the harbour, before docking, before unloading, before even walking through his front door...

My prediction was wrong. The cat just called to inform me that he's on his way in.

Am I seriously going to be getting the play by plays from the friendly neighbourhood tabby?

Of course I care for his well-being but his actions are those of a significant other in a committed relationship, which is a state of affairs that I am fully unaware we are in.

Will he be terribly disappointed if I'm not outside madly waving to him like a lover eagerly awaiting his arrival? Will his heart drop if I don't run to him arms open wide?

What have I done to make him believe this is what I want? I need to know so I can reverse the charges.