Saturday, October 27, 2007

Violated

Sexual assault isn't very pretty but compared to 'rape' and all the violent connotations connected to 'rape', 'sexual assault' is an easier pill to swallow or so the woman on the other end of crisis line suggested to me and I agree.

For years I fantasized about being raped. It was my dark, dirty secret. Something about losing control, being forced was hot to me. It's not hot any more. I will never fantasize about it again because I've been there.

There may not have been any violence, force or threats but I did say I wasn't ready yet he did it any ways. I did say I wasn't comfortable with his brother downstairs yet he pushed for it and pushed for it until I gave in. This happening with someone you love and care about who was supposed to love and care about you feels worse than if it was with a stranger who had used violence.

I'm so lost, confused and extremely hurt that this happened. The morning after he left to go moose hunting, today was the first I heard from him in 3 days. I had a feeling it was him when the phone rang and let the voicemail pick it up. Hearing his recorded voice sent me into tears, I couldn't bare to listen.

It's hard to talk to people and act like every thing's alright. It's exhausting. Mom can usually tell when some thing's wrong just by my voice, she hasn't said anything yet. I guess I'm great at faking it when it really matters.

I'm scatter brained. I don't know what I'm going to do.

3 comments:

AMPlifier said...

Have you thought about calling a hotline? Google RAINN.

Addie said...

hello there ... I still come back everyday hoping to hear from you!

I miss reading your blog

Emily said...

There are never any real words we can use to express what that is like, unless you've lived it. I talk from experience, it happened to me when I was only 18, it's horrible, and I carry it with me always. But over time it does get easier. You won't ever forget, but we learn to live with it. I didn't get help, or therapy, maybe I'm strong like that. I don't know. You may need therapy, or perhaps have gotten some since, and are in therapy, I guess all we can do is wonder. Since you wrote this, you haven't been back. I hope you are getting help, and hope to pop by again and see if your are doing well. Let use know you are alright please.