My Past vs My Present

I just spent an hour or so flipping through the pages of another online diary of mine that I conveniently abandoned almost two years ago (amazing it still exists). What is also amazing is seeing in written form the kind of person I was back then. I seriously pulled a 360.

I may have transformed for the better but there are some aspects of that life that I miss now. Feeling the fire in my fingertips. Maybe I'm just a little rusty but I was quite impressed with the colourful, albeit dark entries I created. Many of the great artists (Vincent van Gogh), poets (Sylvia Plath) and musicians (Wolfgang Mozart) of the past suffered from depression. While I do not miss the emotions that come with depression I do miss the creative spark.

I honestly do not know how to write "happy" entries. Everything I've known has been filled with anger and sadness - confusion and doubt. Writing was my outlet, my escape from those emotions. I no longer feel that way so a question arises... What now?

There has been many a night I have sat in front of this screen, wanting to feel alive again (as I did when I was writing) but I was blank. I am not without inspiration but happiness has been absent from my vocabulary and affections for so long I'm not sure what to do with it. Perhaps once I get to truly know happiness and experience all it has to offer maybe then the fire will return.

Until then I suppose I will experiment.