When Friends Turn

It's a pivotal moment when friends turn on you for no apparent reason. Your ideas and dreams suddenly seem ridiculous to them and unnecessary comments are made. You feel inferior when you know you're better than that. Their "worry" is more like disapproval and support of any kind is non-existent.

Intuition bleeds green.

Envy is a dangerous feeling. It can tear relationships to shreds (as I'm currently experiencing). I can only suspect envy as the culprit for my friends surprising and hurtful behaviour but it makes a lot of sense.

I don't have anyone I need to answer to or children I need to tend to. I'm going some where in my life not many people can and I have the guts to do it.

It hurts when you finally realize the friends you thought you had were never friends at all.

Selling My Current Life. Any Takers?

The past few months I've been up to my elbows in shit. I'm exhausted on so many levels. A whirlwind of emotions.

Our home of 13 years is up for sale. How do I really feel about that? I'm excited, nervous, scared, stressed... 'cause I know what comes next.

I'm not a fan of change but when you consider your current existence a life of bullshit, constant complaining and unhappiness change is all you can do. So, when all's said and done, I'll be out of province, over a day away to the east coast. I've never lived any where but here but people do this all the time. I'm beginning to realize why.

Away from the masses, the busy bustle of every day city life and I don't live in any hugely populated city either. Compared to some around here this is nothing but enough's enough and I've had it. Where I'm going is anything but busy, the kind of life I've been dreaming of.

However, it all looks fantastic through my minds eye. But what if, what if, what if??? There's no room for what if on our moving truck. It's not do or die, it's just do period and do so it works.

The house we want is cheaply amazing. Our backyard is basically the Atlantic ocean. That is the view from the kitchen/dining room windows. Maybe I won't mind doing dishes so much. Maybe I won't mind a lot of things.

Escape (Warning: Sexual Content)

This past weekend was an awesome escape from reality. A much needed get-away that two of my girls and I had been looking forward to since April. Nine Inch Nails was playing in Toronto Saturday, June 24 and my girls bought tickets for my birthday. I seriously have the best friends in the world.

We left early Friday afternoon. Barely an hour into our weekend and we nearly ran - literally - into some trouble. I don't want to dwell on "almost" but we almost didn't make it to our destination. We were in the far left lane on the highway, belting out Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now and traffic had slowed right down. My friend driving didn't realize the car ahead was stopped completely until our navigator yelled for her to brake. Being in that lane saved our lives, my friend quickly reacted and swerved onto the shoulder, other wise we would've rear ended that car and at the speed we were going...it wouldn't have been pretty.

I've never been that close to an accident before. My friend apologized profusely and all I could think about was how grateful I was for her quick thinking. We laughed it off and talked about what could-have-been. It wasn't going to ruin the days ahead.

After getting lost we finally made it to the hotel an hour later. We relaxed, we drank, we ordered Pizza Hut and got ready to see some naked men. Both the driver and navigator are attached and therefore our plan to hit the strip club was/is to be kept secret from their significant others. I on the other hand was walking in worry free and I planned to totally let loose. However, when we arrived and was taken to our seats I felt like a dirty little pervert!

The entertainment was no doubt sugary sweet candy for the eyes. We each chose our own stripper and after a few $8 coolers I had no problems paying for a private show. Nicknamed Diesel, Mark (I later found out) came out on stage with the beautiful melody of Beethoven's Fur Elise. That alone won me over. The song then changed to - oh yes - NIN's Closer and I melted. It was no contest, Diesel was mine.

$10 gave me a little taste right there at our table. He swiveled my seat, spread my legs and rubbed himself all over me. It has been so long since I've been near a man, the smell and touch of him sent me soaring. Later on with a $20 dangling over my head he took my hand and led me to the VIP area.

He sat me down, once again opened my legs and invited me to undo his belt and unclasp the buttons to his jeans. "One more," he said. Already shirtless I marvelled at his abs and the tribal tattoo surrounding his navel piercing. YUM!

He took my hands and ran them over his chest and nipples then knelt down infront of me, his hands up on the either side of my head and nibbled at my breasts. My fingers traced over his smooth skin, the muscles in his arms, over his shoulder blades down to the small of his back and rested on the thin cotton of his thong.

"Are you trying to take off my underwear?" he asked playfully when I had the little piece of material under his cheeks.
"Never!" I giggled.

It was awkward at first, paying for such an intimate moment. It was quite tame when my friends and I compared stories of our experiences in the VIP room but hot and sexy none-the-less. When he was finished and dressed he kissed my cheeks and hand in hand he led me back to our table. With a half hug and another set of kisses he introduced himself as Mark.

Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about him ever since. So much so that I dug out my vibrator the other night. He was a gentleman and did his best to make me feel special. The perfect fix for this single girl.

Fireflies at Dusk

I hung out with my not-by-blood fifteen year old strawberry blond kid sister last night. We talked, more like she talked and talked...and talked some more but it didn't matter. To her, I'm that non-family "grown up" that she can confide in and feel comfortable enough to ask awkward questions that would other wise make her blush if she were to ask her Mom. I feel special for that, to be that person for someone. At her age I was constantly searching for that person. I never did find her.

At dusk, feeling a little morbid, we went to where a good friend of mine is buried and drank tea. I told my sister the story of how she died and what she meant to me.

"Is there anyone you know now that you can compare her to?" she asked.
"Nope. She was in a league all on her own," I replied.

She was nine-teen when she died thanks to Crohn's Disease. That was five years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. After reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold what I previously thought of Heaven has changed. I know it's fiction but Alice's version of Heaven is much more appealing. Rather than everyone "existing" in one common place, every soul belongs to their own personal Heaven, surrounded by everything they loved and were passionate about down on earth. My friend would then have an endless supply of Coca-Cola at her finger-tips.

I also like to think my friend was looking down on us last night. Something I very rarely see in my town is fireflies yet last night there were two of them flickering and dancing about the trees and tombstones. I'm sure it was my friend saying hello.

Nothing Less of Fragile.

I'm not going to pretend. Pretending is for amateurs. Truth? Four posts in one day equals pathetic but here I am.

Mom's going to be home from work soon and I'm going to miss my nightly escape with Phoenix due to BINGO with Gramma. Spending money trying to win some, the odds are less than likely but I'm going anyways. The BINGO hall is the only public place where smoking indoors is permitted and the funk of a hundred or so elderly persons actually over powers the smell of tobacco.

Go figure.

Phoenix Rising

I'm on a roll and can't seem to stop. I've had so much to say and nowhere to say it that it's all been bundled up, screaming to see the light of day.

Phoenix has been my saviour through all of this. A dog yes but without his constant love and friendship I'd be totally alone. I'm planning for my next tattoo - a phoenix bird from which he was named. Symbolism of rebirth, the Phoenix burns itself in flames (fire being my element) and rises out of the ashes anew. My inspiration and source of strength to see through the upcoming years.

All Words and No Play...

I've come to realize my extreme need for independence. I'm beyond hope for procrastination and rely on my Mother to keep me on task. I need the harsh reality of life to slap me in the face and put me into my place. I need a place of my own.

I've been dreaming about it for months now. I'm ready emotionally but financially proves to be a problem. I'm not talking a mere set back that I might be able to over come with a little budgeting. I mean I'm basically grounded here at "home" for another four years until our debt is paid off.

My Mother has a sly way of reeling me in with guilt. Single Mom trying to pay the bills all on her own. She fed me a story that I couldn't say no to. Thought I was doing some good, helping her accomplish her dream when all that came out of it was a new fridge, a water cooler and a couple dogs to keep us company while we're stuck here living our mediocre lives.

All we have is each other and whether purposely or subconsciously she's trapping me, not wanting to let me go.

How do you stand up to your own Mother and say it's time to move on?

Inventing ERZSÉBET

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but it's the only excitement I have going for me lately.

I'm currently trying to reinvent myself. Twenty-five years old, it's about time I find out who exactly I am. I'm bored of me. I want to be so many things but it seems I have to break down this huge towering wall before I can do anything and I have neither the courage or strength to do so.

I'm trapped in so many ways. Freedom is light years away. I just don't think I have the patience to wait it out.