Modified at Random

Resurrected

2008-06-16T19:47:00.004-02:30

Special thanks to Addie and Emily for their comments of encouragement. I apologize for leaving things as I did.

It's been awhile, like always. I will not give my word but I will promise to try. I admit, I've missed this, I've needed it but couldn't find the courage to return. Strange as this is the place I've always felt so safe. I suppose the obstacle wasn't dealing with the after-math but the judgements placed on me when I say that The Cat and I are still together. I wasn't strong enough to handle those criticisms properly and I know the thoughts of how could you?... what are you thinking?... he will do it again... or various forms of the like will cross some minds. I figure as much as that is what I would think.

The confrontation was anything but easy. It's been so long that I've whisked the details under the carpet but I remember that and how he stood outside (because I blocked his entrance) hands deep in his pockets, eyes to the ground shuffling his feet like a boy who had been caught stealing money from his dad.

It took some time but I'm okay, we're okay and he hasn't turned into a repeat offender. In fact, he's been a pussy cat. Today is our first year anniversary.

Violated

2007-10-27T11:46:00.000-02:30

Sexual assault isn't very pretty but compared to 'rape' and all the violent connotations connected to 'rape', 'sexual assault' is an easier pill to swallow or so the woman on the other end of crisis line suggested to me and I agree.

For years I fantasized about being raped. It was my dark, dirty secret. Something about losing control, being forced was hot to me. It's not hot any more. I will never fantasize about it again because I've been there.

There may not have been any violence, force or threats but I did say I wasn't ready yet he did it any ways. I did say I wasn't comfortable with his brother downstairs yet he pushed for it and pushed for it until I gave in. This happening with someone you love and care about who was supposed to love and care about you feels worse than if it was with a stranger who had used violence.

I'm so lost, confused and extremely hurt that this happened. The morning after he left to go moose hunting, today was the first I heard from him in 3 days. I had a feeling it was him when the phone rang and let the voicemail pick it up. Hearing his recorded voice sent me into tears, I couldn't bare to listen.

It's hard to talk to people and act like every thing's alright. It's exhausting. Mom can usually tell when some thing's wrong just by my voice, she hasn't said anything yet. I guess I'm great at faking it when it really matters.

I'm scatter brained. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Googling the Future - D'OH

2007-09-18T21:46:00.000-02:30

I have realized the true importance of thinking before I speak. I am so grateful the cat is away or he would've heard my premature wrath of fulishness and a whiny, needy brat I would've made myself out to be and for good reason.

Today I have asked the question on Y!A (the answers I received being less than reassuring which brought me to tears), reflected on my needs and what I really want out of this relationship and did some soul and Google searching as well. Yes, I Googled 'workaholic boyfriend' and what I found made me pull a Homer Simpson and I smacked myself in the head for being so pathetically juvenile. Whoever would've thought Google could save a relationship?

What I previously thought wasn't enough is more than sufficient. Hey, I am a woman. I have the prerogative to change my mind more than once and back again. When I look at all those things now I see his effort. I'm not involved with no doctor who is on call 24/7 and works crazy hours. The cat is here for almost every meal and almost always helps me with the dishes. He's home every night at a fairly reasonable time. He includes me when possible. If I can go too he asks whether it's a afternoon trip to pick up lumber or around the corner to the hardware store. I know that when I really need him he will be there - no matter what he's just a phone call away. What he does really is for us. He may not be home to do the kind of things I would like to do but he still comes home. That's my compromise. Giving up the small things for the big things in the future.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

2007-09-18T11:20:00.000-02:30

It's 'ot in 'ere, b'y!

I have a confession. Time to loosen up the tie and wipe my brow. I have lied to you. When I said "I wouldn't have it any other way" in my last post I knew even as I typed it it wasn't true but I didn't want to come off as needy or expecting too much from the cat knowing this is the way it is. It's the life style and it's not going to change, I realize that so I have been doing some serious contemplating.

The cat left early Sunday afternoon to go moose hunting. Being on my own and being alone is nothing new although the bed is awfully big for just me. There is no set time for his return. No date to look forward to. I'll see him when he gets here after he gets what he went looking for.

"If we were together all the time we'd get sick of each other." I suppose part of that is true but every relationship needs some time and with our lack of it I feel like I'm drifting. I know he loves me and he tries in small ways to make up for his absence but it's just not enough for me. The only time I feel close to him is when we're sleeping.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and on a whim say "lets go some where" and he be completely up for it but I know he'll say he has too much to do. Any place I wish to go I will go alone. Any thing I wish to do will be done alone. I want someone to share and experience life with, not enjoy it single handily and tell him about it afterwards.

I have invited the cat to join the boys and myself on our walk to The Pond. He declined to see his boys. I asked him if he would be interested in going hiking with me. "Sure, when I get straightened out." He's still crooked. Over a month ago he said we would take the boys to Fogo Island when he got back from his week long fishing trip in Bonavista. I still haven't seen Fogo.

"You're hardly home..."
"What I do is for us. I thought you understood."

I do understand. I understand that you do not have time for us nor have any desire to make the time unless it's on Sunday. I understand that I love you but I'm not happy.

Sundays are the Cat's Meow

2007-09-13T23:37:00.000-02:30

Sunday, the day of rest is taken very literally here in Newfoundland. Nothing more than leisure activities and the large Sunday dinner which is enjoyed around noon or after Church takes place on Sundays. Any voluntary labour is abolished unless of course its mandatory paid labour. Back home Sundays were just like Mondays. Lawns were mowed, laundry was washed and any thing else that had to be done was accomplished on Sundays, just like any other day. No rest, only work.

After a long hard week, Sundays are the only day most people take off to enjoy with friends and family. We sleep in but not too late as to miss our dinner of roast beef and salt beef, "titties" or potatoes, veggies - usually turnip and carrots, pea pudding, bread-like pudding and of course, gravy. The cat and I usually take a drive on Sundays and usually it is raining. This is our day together, one day a week where we do something other than what is needed to be done. Last Sunday with his brother and sister-in-law we went blueberry picking near his parents cabin.

Days and evenings with the cat have become routine. Only 2 months and already I'm using the dreaded "R" word. Sundays I look forward to. They are different, they are fun, they do not involve work of any kind although the cat sometimes speaks of it. During the week the cat calls himself busy, I secretly call him a workaholic however the work he does he receives no pay unless he is out at sea. Whether he's helping a buddy, his brother or himself to make a buck later on life with a fisherman is a full list of to-do's. Even when one task is completed and checked off another takes its place. This would be my only complaint and a complaint that will go unheard.

An outdoor cat you can not shut in. He craves the wilderness and the hard work it takes to survive, it's in his blood. If you must only know one thing about this kind of cat to understand him it would be that. There is no hope to change him, nor would you want to. It would break his spirit and only an empty shell would remain.

There is great gain in accepting this kind of cat into your heart. He is exceptionally loyal, caring and giving. When needed his time is yours. The little things are most important and the little things he does willingly without request.

While this life is still new and I am still learning - learning to accept, learning to adjust - I wouldn't have it any other way.

Begin Again

2007-09-07T10:33:00.000-02:30

Summer magic.

That's what it was and will continue to be. As we raked in the grass we pulled in our love - close, bonded, meshed together in one big mess. As Fall breaches and Summer slowly fades away, another season and we begin again this time multi-coloured, multi-faceted. Stronger because of the downs, higher because of the ups and there were many many more ups. That's what life is about. Learning as we go, falling as we fail. Whether we pick our own selves up or with the help of an out reached hand we always begin again.

Love. Love. Love.

I still do not understand it albeit I am living it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and space divides. Too much absence, too much space and we become the unknown. 99% work, 1% play. So much for 50/50 yet I accept it. I admire his motivation, his drive, his eagerness to accomplish the task(s) at hand. Late nights and I wait. His drive drives me over the edge. I some times want to scream RELAX! Put your mind at ease for once, stop thinking and enjoy but I know joy comes eventually whether it's a midnight frolic in the sheets or a breath of salt water air in open sea. There's some thing for him, there's some thing for me and there's some thing for us.

He always comes home to me.

Ocean's Dream

2007-06-25T19:02:00.000-02:30

His world now my existence
sea scape's and 'capades
Long-lined revolutions -
the circumference of a heart.

North west winds break down walls,
feeding off midnight rituals.
Could this be?
I wonder...
in the lingering after-thought

of a waking dream.

Monday Melee #2

2007-06-25T14:01:00.000-02:30

According to Roget’s Thesaurus, a melee is anything from a fight or a brawl (or hmm.. a fracas) to a list of odds and ends, a potpourri or assortment of something, a mixture, a variety… even a salad.

So each Monday, I and those participating, will use the following and appropriately assorted prompts, to create a post of interest.

1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

Our stereotypical nature. Does it help to make sense of things we just can not understand by immediately placing people under categories simply by first impressions or glances?

Waitressing was a job I was considering upon arriving here in Newfoundland and applied at a near-by restaurant. An interview shortly followed but no call backs. I had later found out that the same place is in desperate need of help and was left confused until a friend of a friend whom works there called and broke the news.

Previously my face had been adorned in piercings, 3 plus my tongue. All, save for my nostril piercing, I have since retired as I have grown out of them - this being the reason I was not hired. My would-be boss offered no compromises, no declarations that the position could be mine if I would be willing to take them out (which I gladly would have).

My personal view on the situation is that I was not given a chance because he automatically assumed I fall under the oh-so-common labels that those with body modifications seem to unjustly fall under: rebels, irresponsible no-gooders, punks, gangsters, etc.

While I am in need of work and he is in need of workers I will not lower myself to his level.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

I believe the above person fits snugly here as well.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

I am unhappy that I have not found a job yet. I am unhappy that because I am currently on a leave of absence from my job back home I am unable to apply for the line of credit I so desperately need to lower my monthly payments on an existing loan.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

The cat for his patience, his willingness to help in whatever way he can, for thinking of me, getting me out of the house, showing me all these new and exciting Newfie experiences, for introducing me to his friends who are now my own. For being the wonderful person that he is.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

The responsible person I have become. My procrastination days are slowly fading into the past.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

After the last 250 or so cigarettes that I have left, I wish that the detox process will be quick and painless and my transition back to a non-smoker will be a rewarding and life long experience.

Oh, and of course, to find a job - soon!

Contemplations of a Frantic Mind/Footprints on my Heart

2007-06-25T11:00:00.000-02:30

I realize that everyone has the prerogative to change their minds. Mine was rather drastic after being so dead set against certain things and I suppose I felt a sense of humility over it. To be so sure about one thing only to take a tumble towards the exact opposite is humbly human yet I'm finding it difficult still to fall completely into the place I opened myself up for.

Everything this time has been refreshingly different from the others. From a purely platonic friendship where the slightest indication of intimate physical contact was abolished for 6 months to all forms of contiguity within a weeks time is a transition I am still trying to grasp yet it's as though I am finally set free.

Never have I dug so deep into the reasons for my actions. Why am I - was I being so cautious? Have I really grown this much that I am taking every precaution, to be sure I am getting into this for the correct reasons and not because I feel a sense of duty to a man who feels so strongly towards me? While it had crossed my mind I certainly believe there is no deed to be done. Everything up until this point has been on my own terms, whether the cat initiated it or not, whatever happened happened because I wanted it to.

When discovering the bigger picture the cat holds all the qualities, even some quirks which I had been picking at, using to convince myself that he was the wrong kind of cat for me. Appearances are deceiving but behind misty blues and the warmth of an expression lies so much more when given the chance to make themselves known.

No Pictures, Only Words

2007-06-20T19:41:00.000-02:30

While basking in the after-glow of my coastal journey Friday afternoon, as well as the glimmer of the few events that have taken place since, I've realized a few things. Thus my absence from the blogosphere - my brain and emotions have been on hiatus and until I could make sense of it all there were no words to write.

I'm currently singing to a different tune, a change of heart you could say. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't giving the cat a chance. I had been closing myself off completely and the moment I allowed myself to open up everything appeared so differently.

I suppose it was the boat, meeting his friends and family, experiencing the other facets that make the cat who he is that done it. We have become quite close (everything that implies is true) since Friday and I have no regrets or hesitations. While it's not love, yet, it's something and something I have been denying myself of these past months.

Whether it was fear or just not wanting to jump into something I was not ready for I do not know but now that I'm here I'm not looking back.

AIR ~Art Is Resistance

2007-06-20T19:35:00.000-02:30

Wordless Wednesday #3

Closer to the Gods

2007-06-15T21:47:00.000-02:30

I've often wondered if the locals, specifically the fishermen and women, ever tire of their surroundings. Day in and day out bobbing in open water. If any of these fortunate few feel a shred of the emotion I did today while joy riding along the coast the answer would be they are home.

When the cat appeared at my door after being MIA for a week I was happy and happier yet when he invited me to spend the afternoon on his speed boat. Like a typical tourist camera in hand and sandals on foot I climbed down the wharf into the boat like a pro, well, with a little assistance. I couldn't contain my excitement and laughed hysterically for the first 5 minutes. I was a kid in a candy shop.

That excitement soon turned into sheer awe. Never have I felt so alive, so free as I did today.

Rugged, rustic and rough landscapes and terrain, everything I love.

The Gods in the form of a giant wall of ice.

The turquoise coloured water is the greater part of the berg below the ocean's surface.

Shallow water, pretty stones.

Introspective, soaking it all in.

Save for another fisherman checking his lobster pots and a friend of the cat's who we met up with along the way we were virtually alone. Similar to peering into a star studded sky, we were minuscule, owned by the great vastness of the deep blue and its current icy occupants.

Reality check checked.

Prudence ~Haiku

2007-06-15T12:54:00.000-02:30

Setting sun rises
new hope for daybreak's raging
fire of true prudence

Happy Hour (T13 #2)

2007-06-14T01:01:00.000-02:30

For this week I've decided to capture a few of the every day things

that bring joy to my life.

In no particular order:

Being an Aries fire is my element and accordingly I've always been attracted to flame be it of a candle, a lighter, a match or a bonfire. I suppose I'm a little bit of a pyro. Although our electric (or liquid as the Newfie dialect transforms the word) fire place is not connected to a chimney (or chimley) and does not produce real smoke, or any smoke for that matter, it still provides a warm, comforting and relaxing effect. Perfect for calming the nerves and silencing the mind and it's safe too!

This mask has travelled far and wide. From Guatemala to The Festival of Friends in Ontario where we purchased him last summer from a very kind eclectic man and now to its permanent home here in Newfoundland.

For me he is a symbol of joy, strength and beauty - a reminder of the times Mom and I shared together under the sun wandering the various booths, enjoying great Canadian music such as Sass Jordan, Simon Wilcox, Jeremy Fisher, Ashley Macisaac to name only a few and devouring elephant ears and peaches and ice cream on "our" hill under the shade of a tree.

I am saddened that I will not be able to experience the Ontario festivals this year but the highly acclaimed Fish, Fun and Folk Festival held later July is a celebration to look forward to with its parade of boats in the harbour all decorated in lights, to music, vendors, fireworks and other activities, I'm sure my summer festival fix will be met.

A bed of any sort would normally speak for itself as being a provider of joy but it goes a little beyond being simply a place to rest my head at night. For 5 months I stared at the mattress and box spring still in the packaging, the frame still in the box. Mom and I slept on the futon in the dining room until we were able to finish my room which was placed lower on our list of priorities of areas to get done.

For years I slept on a hand-me-down twin, the mattress worn. Falling asleep took some time for me. Now having a double pillow-top I feel like a Queen and sleep like one too!

The pewter sun and moon essential oil diffuser that sends the sweet scents of calming lavender, inspiring lemongrass and cooling peppermint throughout the house. Unfortunately my oil supply is becoming sparse and its fire is lit sparingly.

My copy of Nine Inch Nail's Year Zero, a conceptual album about the end of the world, is the first CD I have owned that I can listen to from beginning to end without wanting to skip tracks or hear a select few more than the others. Every track is in a league of its own, however equally satisfying. Not every one's cup of tea but it certainly lifts my spirits and is a source of energy come cleaning time. Trent is a musical genius.

Mr. Deejay, play it loud so the "bass goes bomb."

Weeping Yogi, extra large version (his two younger twin brothers are here also) was bought on one of our travels to Port Dover, Ontario when we sought Arbor Dogs and Golden Glow and a walk along Lake Eerie. One hand placed on top and one under neath, woes and grievances are focused into him and so he weeps, carrying those troubles on his back so you don't have to.

My handsome boys. Phoenix, the Mama's Boy, the sweetheart and Ashford, the pick-me-upper when I am down - literally. They make me laugh, they make me happy, they make me proud.

Clear, smoky and rose quartz crystals were a gem of a find but don't ask me to peer into the crystal ball to reveal your fortune or future... I'm rather inexperienced with scrying but it is on my to-learn list.

My retro phone, aesthetically pleasing to look at and sweet music to the ears when it sings. Our previous forms of communication being only our cell phones then a month without anything but the payphone on the north side of the island, which I may add while the location was breathtaking enjoying a conversation with loved ones in the middle of winter was dreadful and quick!

How I've missed my Birkenstocks this winter! Three years old and I still love them as much as I did the first year. No other form of summer foot wear will I ever invest in again. I adore sandal season.

Spencer II, my Aloe Vera plant. Obviously Spencer the first didn't make it, poor fellow. I am keeping my fingers crossed for this little guy who has grown so much already from when he left his spot on the Wal Mart shelf a few weeks ago to occupy the center piece of the dining table.

My happy art, a painting by an unknown artist found locally. I love the texture and the emotion the images invoke. I could stare at this for hours. I'm very much into the earth tones and the colours of the painting all tie in with the colours of the house.

Now this is a cuppa tea! Some would disagree with adding milk and sugar to specialty or herbal teas but I digress! This is what winds me down at the end of the day, the ultimate combination.

Shake it Baby, Shake it!

2007-06-13T12:16:00.000-02:30

Wordless Wednesday #2

Eternity ~Robert Bishop

2007-06-12T15:31:00.000-02:30

"Have you ever wondered how you would get through a difficult time, or where life is leading you? Have you ever asked, why Lord, why me? Often, I like to go to the water’s edge to get the answers. The sound of the waves rippling along the shore, and the beauty of a peaceful sunset help to bring a calming mood.

As I began to paint “Eternity”, I focused on the sunset’s power over the early evening sky. The fiery sunset revealed two paths. One went straight to the sun. The other crossed the horizon and faded away. Life is a journey of daily steps and decisions that take us to our eternity.

Our chosen path leads us to or away from God’s revealing light. So often, we wonder which way to go. We search for answers, direction and purpose. When faced with life’s overwhelming situations, we may not understand why things have happened or what we are to do. We must remember that we are never alone. God is all around us. He will be there every step of the way. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” His path will sustain us through this life and lead to a wonderful Eternity!"
by Robert Bishop

I am not a Christian or Catholic or a believer in either as I am Pagan but this piece has always held a profound, magical meaning for me, even the scripture.

Eternity first made itself known to me 4 years ago at The Festival of Friends in Hamilton, Ontario. A festival both Mom and I looked forward to attending each and every year. It stuck with me as I now acknowledge it was a sign of the steps and decisions I would later make to determine my own Eternity.

I was pleased to see it again the following summer when I took the beautiful painting home. It now lives brightly on the wall beside my bed, complete with Robert Bishop's autograph and well wishes.

I have always been mesmerized by sunsets. Not so much the rises as I, myself, hardly rise early enough to take part. I look to the setting sun even more so now for peace and comfort and have been missing the warm rays and multi-coloured skies the last foggy couple of evenings.

Last night I suffered a spell of sadness and I am unclear as to why. I am where I've wanted to be, I am happy yet there is one thing missing. I have been spending some time turning to the past to find it, to relive those treasured moments and while the memories suffice, for now, it will not always be enough.

I was 17 when I first fell in love. It was passionate, wild, and adventurous - terrain I had never tread before. The summer after our first on the front porch of his brothers house with friends surrounding us, he lowered himself onto one knee.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you," he said, looking up at me and revealed a small black box. My heart thumped, brow instantly covered in sweat, knees ready to buckle. It was a moment I had not been ready for or even anticipated but dreamed of.

He opened the lid of the box and the ring that was tucked inside was not the kind of ring I had been expecting.

His lips parted and words fell out that I will never forget.

"Will you wear my toe-ring?"

My heart dropped and eyes watered. Our friends laughed at my surprise and obvious disappointment. The kind of ring I had hoped for I did not receive from him but the toe-ring I wore throughout the next 4 seasons until it met its demise and snapped into 2 pieces and ironically, not long after that, we went our separate ways.

That kind of love and passion I've yet to experience again but Eternity gives me the hope that I am on the right path and some where along the trail love will make itself known to me as the painting had all those years ago.

Monday Melee #1

2007-06-11T10:41:00.000-02:30

According to Roget’s Thesaurus, a melee is anything from a fight or a brawl (or hmm.. a fracas) to a list of odds and ends, a potpourri or assortment of something, a mixture, a variety… even a salad.

So each Monday, I and those participating, will use the following and appropriately assorted prompts, to create a post of interest.

1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

Our often too quick to judge others mind-set based on one previous occurrence. The men and women in our past had done us wrong therefore the men and women of our present or future must also be wrong-doers. Same with dogs.

I was insulted before my morning java. While out with the boys in the side yard the Newfoundland Power man approached to check the meter.

"Can they reach me?" he hesitated, glancing at the stakes in the ground and the ropes connected to their collars.
"Yes, unless you don't want them to."
"No, I don't trust dogs."
"Oh, they don't bite!"
"I've heard that one before," and he proceeded to tell me the story of someone he knew being bitten (for reasons unknown) after the owner of the dog said the exact same thing.
"Golden's are known as being gentle giants," I laughed, trying to make him feel comfortable.
"Yeah, right."

I have stuck my fingers in their mouths during rough housing, their lips raised, teeth shown and never have they chomped down. Accidentally, when they've mistaken my hand or arm for a paw they have received a taste but the moment they realize it is me and not the other they release.

My boys are the sweetest and while I respect his choice to stay clear of dogs, the fact that he didn't give them a chance to prove him wrong and the way he handled the situation hurt.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

Purina right now is #1 on my phony, fraudulent or bogus list. You can feed with confidence and Committed to your pet's health is a load of bullocks.

When I discovered a couple nights ago after stumbling across Pet Food Tracker that Purina should have also recalled their food during and possibly before the March Madness with Menu Foods but refused to save their reputation I was devastated. Many people lost their dogs after feeding them tainted Purina brand Beneful because it didn't appear on the recall list, a brand I too was feeding my boys up until a little over a month ago when I switched to Champion Pet Foods brand Orijen.

These companies make so much money the absolute least they could do is stand behind their word and give the quality food they claim they are making for our animals.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

Companies with slogans such as: Your Pet, Our Passion, whose real passion is not our pets at all but the top dollar. We put our trust into them believing we are feeding our pets the best and this is our thank you.

Well, fuck you very much.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

A friend of mine, Jaycee, who turned me on to Orijen.

She educated me on the nutrition value (which there is none) and what exactly the ingredients are (animal digest??) and mean (if it doesn't say what animal it could be any animal) in these garbage foods like Purina.

If it wasn't for her the boys would still be on Beneful and the next bag I bought could've been the one that killed them.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

Listening to my friend and making the right decision to better the lives of my boys.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

For the death to stop and for other pet parents to educate themselves on the food they feed their furry children and to make the appropriate changes as well.

Boycott Purina!

Time Stands Still When Thoughts Run Amuck

2007-06-10T23:04:00.000-02:30

Mom suggested I have a "me day" today, curl up on the sofa and veg as I wasn't quite feeling up to par, rather sluggish, not myself. It was a fantastic idea but I was restless and I knew the longer I stayed in one place the more I would think and thinking always seems to get me into trouble. My solution? I cleaned.

It was already my designated laundry day so I stepped it up a notch as a fresh home always makes me feel better, not to mention proud. However folding clothes, swiffering the floors, wiping down the fridge did not stop my mind.

When the cat called a couple nights ago around 10pm from the boat asking if he could spend the night as he was heading back out the following morning for the day I was annoyed. The emotional flux I had been experiencing should have been a warning of things to come but it was not and when he appeared at the top of the basement stairs at 1am, smiling and happy to see me my animosity was clearly visible.

"I should've stayed home rather than torment you," he joked.
"No, no. It's alright." But it wasn't.

I'm a softy, a push-over and after everything he's done for me, for us I knew I would've felt guilty if I had said no but I was not in the spirit for company and went straight to bed. Well, not before a hug and neck smooch of course. The next morning only added fuel to the fire as around 6:30am I was disturbed by the loud creaking and banging of large boulders being picked up and dropped into a dump truck right outside my bedroom window. This continued all day.

I expected the cat to be gone when I descended the stairs but peacefully on the sofa he lay. We had our daybreak fixes together and off he went. I did not arise to see him out and there was no see ya later hug.

The following days there were no phone calls or appearances at my door. I began to wonder if my point had been made albeit not in the way I had intended it to. I went through a fanatical blur figuring he was angry with me or thought I didn't want to see him again and as always I overreacted.

He's a fisherman after all and does not have to answer to me although he usually does. Words are spoken daily, if not in person over the phone. He calls to let me know when he's on his way out, he calls to let me know when he's on his way in but he explained tonight that he's been busy and his cell was out of range.

Some times the things we want and the things we do not want are one in the same.

Cyber Stalked

2007-06-09T11:50:00.000-02:30

Some time in March I became a part of the Facebook population after receiving a few friendly invites in my inbox. It was the perfect opportunity to stay connected with friends, family and co-workers back home who have computers. Rather than sending random pictures of my adventures through e-mail, on Facebook, I can upload as many as I wish and add captions 'cause who doesn't get frustrated flipping through some one's vacation mementos and not know a damn thing that's going on and find yourself having to constantly ask the who's, what's, where's and how's?

For anyone, if any such person exists, who is unfamiliar with Facebook it is one of the largest social networking sites on the net, closely along side with Myspace. What started out as being a network strictly for college and university students soon opened up to anyone with a Internet connection. If you listen to 102.1 The Edge in Toronto who hosted a Facebook related contest, CBC News who created The Great Canadian Wish List or if you watch the news at all most likely you've heard of Facebook.

From various employees losing their positions at their employments for pictures, posts or spending too much time on the site while at work to groups being created to bring awareness to political injustices, Facebook is making waves and rightly so.

I have found classmates, childhood friends, estranged family members all with a click (some of them found me) and while my friends list continues to grow shortly after the few initial wall posts with the typical Heys, how've you beens it abruptly stops. The connection becomes idle and I'm left with only a few who on a regular basis keep in touch.

The lioness above was taken from a friend who, on my own terms, I lost contact. She found me on Facebook and we've been politely exchanging messages, catching up on things I honestly do not care about. The friendship ended for many reasons, one being stalker-ish issues which I'm again noticing through the site.

If I happen to update my profile or add pictures to one of my albums and do not reply to one of her messages she is there asking if I've fallen off the keyboard. I am beginning to wonder if her children are being compromised for her time online. I am thankful that through cable wires and computer screens is and will be as far as it goes. I am sure that if I was back home she'd be asking to do coffee and rekindle a flame that has been permanently blown out.

Some final thoughts: Do be cautious of what you share with the online world, your real world could be jeopardized. As for stalking, I currently feel no threat but we all know that threat does exist from other lurkers. If you use Facebook do not add anyone you do not personally know to your friends list. My privacy settings are set high and there is no personal information included in my profile. This should all go without saying but time and time again someone out there proves that some sort of reinforcement will always need to be made.

Good luck and happy surfing!

13 Newfie Lessons Learned (T13 #1)

2007-06-06T23:46:00.000-02:30

01) If the destination you have been seeking appears to be less than desirable once you finally arrive after driving 3 days in a 2-door Sunfire crammed with boxes, 2 Golden's, a cat, your Mother and yourself - 6 hours of that on a ferry with no where to rest your head but on the table in front of you - sleep on it. It's always brighter in the morning.

02) Cherish the trivial things such as "movie time" with your Mom even if they are movies you've seen 100 times before and are played on a lap-top rather than the 27" TV screen you are accustomed to as 6 months will pass in a blink and she will be gone - these being some of what you remember.

03) If it is absolutely necessary to travel the 2 hours into the "big town" during the winter one must leave early morning, not early afternoon to avoid driving home on the darkened winding, rolling roads and risk sliding into the ocean as there will be no guard rails to protect you and your vehicle. Or worse, you may spot a moose but if you're lucky and your car is small enough you just might be able to drive right under it.

04) Sea salt diluted in warm water works well to disinfect and help speed the healing process when your beloved dog splits one of his pads open. However, wrapping the wounded paw in gauze and pulling a sock over it is a waste of time (but comical when he attempts to walk on it) as he will only kick or bite the make-shift bandage off. The cause of the injury is still unknown.

05) Do not always take your neighbours word when they tell you that you can use their phone any time you need to. Some times people say things to be hospitable but do not always mean them. A surefire way to know is when you knock at their door in the middle of a snow storm to make that important call and your would-be hostess has done everything but invite you in, you're obviously quite unwelcome.

06) When house hunting trust your instincts. The moment you feel it in your gut, when you begin moving in and you haven't seen the upstairs yet it is the right home for you. Do not allow the thick layers of dirt and grim, the grey and burgundy kitchen decor, the numerous cracks and holes in the walls and ceilings talk you out of it. They are only superficial. It is and will be worth it in the end if you are willing to put forth the effort.

07) Do not take it personally if a handful of the local women give you odd glances, are rather short with you or if they don't speak to you at all. It is not their fault they are ignorant. Not every "main lander" comes here to steal their men.

08) The men that are available are pushy. Be direct and firm if you are not interested. "I'm not looking for a relationship" is not enough. (I've yet to learn if "I do not feel for you the same way you do for me" works but I'll keep you posted.)

09) One way to determine the difference between green and dry wood is by how heavy a log is, not by the amount of foliage that covers it. The heavier the junk the greener it is. It is not suitable to burn all green junks in your wood furnace or stove as they do not burn as easily as the dry junks. Mix your wood for better and longer lasting flame.

10) When shovelling your driveway or outside of your home at any time for that matter be prepared to have passers-by slow to a near stop to stare are you. Remember, you are foreign to them. They can not figure out why you want to be here when the majority is trying their best to get out.

11) No matter where in Ontario you're from you're from Toronto. You can tell them 1000 times the name of your home town and it will forever be Toronto or simply the main land.

12) It's not only the "tip of the iceberg" as they say. What ice you see above water there is 10x that below the oceans surface. This being coined The Iceberg Capital of the World, that's a lot of bergs!

13) Most important lesson of all: Enjoy every minute of life and what life throws at you. It will make its turns, dips and sweeps but it's all about the attitude and how you choose to deal with it.

"Fathers And Daughters That Don't Die Eat Icecream Together."

2007-06-06T21:20:00.000-02:30

Wordless Wednesday #1

Discovering Splendor - "Hospital Pond"

2007-06-05T13:18:00.000-02:30

It is the ideal day for laziness. The temperatures are soaring, rain is in the air and in the grey clouds that refuse to allow any sunlight to stream through. It is the perfect day for nothing and nothing I have done since I awoke shortly after 10 (it is now almost 3).

I am hoping that any drops that may fall will hold off until later this evening. While I do enjoy storms whether it's a light pitter-patter or heavy down pour complete with loud bangs and lightning shows I have found something to look forward to every day and the sky's tears - if they may fall - will keep me from it.

I used to take the 15 minute drive to a park back home almost every evening - weather permitting. It was my alone time albeit Phoenix was always by my side. We wandered that park for hours through the trees, over the hills and watched the children play on the monkey bars. Back then Phoenix remembered his tricks and off his lead he walked. He's a good boy but it's been awhile since those days and I'm nervous about trying it again.

This island of Newfoundland is full of treasured spots I've yet to discover but I have found one that is within walking distance from the house. Both boys and I have gone to "Hospital Pond" the last couple evenings. Last night one of the neighbourhood kid's, who has taken a liking to the boys, accompanied me and from the moment we left the house and arrived at the pond I was wishing to be alone.

The pond itself is crystal clear and completely surrounded by a gravel path which takes roughly 25 minutes to walk the perimeter. It's a wonderful area with benches and gazebo's to rest along the way. I found myself becoming lost in my thoughts but Brandon's complaints of his sandals and the stones between his toes pulled me back.

He's a good boy too and I should have been grateful for his being there. It's strange to want to be alone when I've been on my own now for the past 3 weeks. Hearing another voice other than my own should have been welcomed. I wanted friends, I suppose I just wasn't expecting a 12 year old to be one of them.

The coloured stones paint a pretty picture.

Cliche but if pictures are worth a 1000 words...

We all have places we go to escape, to gather our thoughts or to just enjoy ourselves and the scenery.

Where's your spot?

The L-Word - A Stone's Throw from Evanescence

2007-06-03T20:44:00.000-02:30

Love is thrown about carelessly. The givers and takers often make dead end promises to add icing on the cake. I will love you forever! I will never marry anyone else if something happens to us... *Insert swoon response.* What girl wouldn't melt hearing rubbish like that? I found out not long ago that he's engaged again. Words carry little weight with me. Promises are taken just as lightly. My current attitude towards the trend and trail of broken marriage vows happening in today's society. I've learned to distrust almost everything that breeds from love.

So when the cat confessed his love for me last night my initial reaction was really in the same monotone as bull shit. As all the initials surrounded by pretty hearts scribbled in subways and notebooks only mark a moment in time, the singular permanent token of devotion, his declaration is transitory.

This is not to say I will avoid love in my life - I am not bitter. I do hope to find it some day but all that love encompasses will be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing is eternal except all the carvings in the barks of trees.

Blog Moves - Seeking Inspiration from the Blogosphere

2007-06-03T12:37:00.001-02:30

I'm introducing a new concept, mainly for myself to help beat writers block but others may be inclined to chime in as well. Actually, I'm betting it's already been thought of and I'm too slow on the take. If so please send me in the right direction.

The blogosphere is full of a variety of bloggers with many different ideas and views many of which come through in their choice of post topics. When we blog hop and come across a blog that we find compelling enough to continue with more than just the initial entry and maybe even worth an add to our Blog Roll for future access is it really because we're so intrigued with their life (similar to Y&R) or is it because we can relate to that person. Maybe it's none of the above.

Personally, I'm drawn to the blogs that move me. Lyrical posts, vibrant photos, thought provoking phrases. I've come away from these blogs swimming in my own introspection's and reveries but never considered writing about them, until now. Often I am stuck on what to write about. Daily happenings some times seem too mundane and writing about them is almost torturous. As a reader I wouldn't blame you for clicking the next blog button. Thus Blog Moves is born.

The idea is post in your own blog the moment you come across a post that catches your eye, makes you think, invokes emotion within Blogger. Whether you're inspired by a whole entry, a picture or a simple word write about it and link to the blog that moved you enough to create one of your own. Also, leave the author a comment to let s/he know that what they had to say inspired you and leave a link to your own entry. Who wouldn't want to hear positive feedback such as that? It will also attract more traffic to your page.

Inspiration comes in many forms. Your post may not relate or even respond to the blog (it doesn't have to) - it could be totally off the wall in comparison but that is the beauty of it, to have the freedom and ability to take your post as far from or keep it as close to the muse as you like.

Again, this is mainly for myself right now but if anyone does take interest please include some where in the title Blog Moves, link back to me and leave me a comment in the section connected to this post with the link to your Blog Moves post and title and I'll create a list.

Alcoholic Dilusions

2007-06-01T23:04:00.000-02:30

I'm almost positive it's alcohol related. Vodka often has an emotional effect on me and last night's consumption was more than I've had in a while, today's sufferings the harsh aftermath.

I've been quite content with solitude, save for the regular visits from the cat but today was different some how. It was a welcoming change having another body in the house while I slept. The cat too intoxicated to drive home crashed on the sofa and even though we were on two separate levels and even though he was gone before I woke up I didn't feel so alone.

I'm thankful for him. I thought it was going to be beyond awkward between us after our talk but it's surprisingly easier. No expectations, no assumptions. I no longer wonder if I look at him too long during conversation if I'm sending the wrong message or if I kid around too much it's considered flirting.

I'm thankful for his friendship but I crave other ships as well. The girly kind and the kind where flirting is wanted. I've come to grips with my past and my issues with abandonment. Past relationships ended at the first sign of fault. My mistake but with this new life breathes other new beginnings, at least I hope. I don't want to fall into the same traps I had set for myself. They were quite painful.

I am trying to believe things can change and there is hope for me after all.

Saggy Bottoms and Toothless Grins

2007-05-30T18:56:00.001-02:30

I've been noticing lately that all of my pants are now offering the saggy bottom effect. I'm sure it looks like I'm trying to fit in with the cool guys, y'know the ones, they all wear their asses around their knees. That is a little exaggerated, my jeans don't hang that low but it makes me giddy none-the-less 'cause it means I'm losing weight. I don't have a single scale in the house to verify it but my jeans had always fit snug and snugger after washing them. Now they pull on with ease plus room to spare.

Food was my #1 past time back home. I was always eating something whether it was out of boredom or just for comfort. Now I eat because I'm actually hungry. Now I can tell you exactly what I've had throughout the day when before I couldn't keep track. There's still a bag of Lays in the cupboard that Mom bought a couple weeks ago, untouched. Back home they would've been gone in a couple hours.

Not having any fast food chains around here has also helped. I can count on both hands the number of times I've had take-out in 6 months. I still drink pop, still eat chocolate but I get full so fast that everything lasts so much longer. I don't strive to finish something once it has been opened. I'm quite satisfied with a couple or a little bit which is another turn around for me and it feels amazing.

The cat came over last night. Bought me caramel baileys and vodka after those being mentioned in random conversation. Hmmm. I gave him the news. He laughed it off and gave me a huge toothless smile, his eyes disappeared behind the wrinkles (his defence mechanism?) and proceeded to go in for the kill. My poor poor neck! A friend did say the men are pushy here. I thought it was going to take a bit more work on my part to get the point across but he called earlier today to apologize for everything and make sure I wasn't mad at him.

Another feel great moment. Damn, I'm having a fantastic day!

The Sweetheart

2007-05-28T17:53:00.000-02:30

The cat left this afternoon on another crab catching expedition. He expects to be gone a couple days longer than the last trip and while I'm happy to be free of him visually he will be calling.

The opportunity arose to give my overly rehearsed speech but I cowardly kept silent. I was never any good at public speaking. He walked over from the fish plant a few minutes before he planned to depart so we could say our ritualistic see ya's and take cares. I saw him coming and became a blubber mouth. Everything I had been repeating through out the day vanished from memory. I considered not answering the door.

In my defense it really didn't feel right to have a conversation of that caliber within a 5-10 minute time frame and then send him off for a few days in the middle of a watery abyss to replay certain moments and wonder where he went wrong. On the other hand he's gone away believing we have something going on. He'll probably tell his crew (what else are they going to talk about, they already know about me) and they'll say how happy they are for him only to have to take it back next venture.

After small talk about the weather and many tension filled silences I surrendered to the embrace but turned my cheek to avoid the kiss... my neck once again the receiver and he happily went on his merry way.

I've asked myself many times how exactly all this came about and why he hasn't picked up on the many hints I've tried to give such as the distance I've always kept between us. Huge red flag wouldn't you say? My thought is that he believes I'm shy, reserved, the good kind of girl that doesn't move too quick or move at all therefore he's taken it upon himself to determine our fate.

Yeah, I'm your typical sweetheart alright. Excellent choice in pet names, cat. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Realm of Awkwardly Awkward

2007-05-28T00:13:00.000-02:30

The cat is obviously oblivious to the strong pulling away feeling that one would naturally encounter when the other is in a position she - in my case - does not want to be in.

After an unwillingly progressive night last night in our friendship - from the needed hand holding while boat hopping to the revealing gesture of the cheek caress, my cheek at that - tonight I have found myself to be in the situation I have been dreading. The one that requires the ever heart breaking friend-speech.

While I have been a recipient of the speech I have never been a giver. I have broke hearts but with the clear intent to break all ties. This time I honestly want to remain friends, good friends if at all possible and I've come to realize now being in their shoes that the givers before me honestly did too.

However, after the cat made his move which was a hug followed by a swift neck to lip kiss, these being the first intimate forms of physical contact we have shared, I'm not entirely sure we will ever be the same. It would explain why I am not currently friends with any of my predecessors.

The Cat Called...

2007-05-26T18:07:00.000-02:30

before entering the harbour, before docking, before unloading, before even walking through his front door...

My prediction was wrong. The cat just called to inform me that he's on his way in.

Am I seriously going to be getting the play by plays from the friendly neighbourhood tabby?

Of course I care for his well-being but his actions are those of a significant other in a committed relationship, which is a state of affairs that I am fully unaware we are in.

Will he be terribly disappointed if I'm not outside madly waving to him like a lover eagerly awaiting his arrival? Will his heart drop if I don't run to him arms open wide?

What have I done to make him believe this is what I want? I need to know so I can reverse the charges.

The Wrong Kind of Cat

2007-05-26T16:16:00.000-02:30

The rough and tumble Alley cat, the short haired Heinz 57, the sneaky Siamese. I've met a few cats in my day but none quite measured up.

The boys are busy at the fish plant across the street. Trucks of all sizes pulling in, pulling out, reversing, braking, parking. Bianca's Dream will be making her way through the harbour later this evening. Dodging the bergs to dock after 2 days away. He'll unload his catch, get paid, pay his crew and jump in his pick-up. Maybe he'll look my way, see if I'm watching from the window, see if I'm watching for him. He might consider phoning me then, maybe even stop by but ultimately decide to wait until after he's had a good home cooked meal and a shower, only then will he call to let me know he made it home safe.

He's a good cat, no doubt about it. The kind of cat that will sit in your lap for hours purring loudly, kneading gently but plays it safe (would never catch him climbing to the highest branch of a evergreen). He knows when to keep his distance (would never push too hard or pull too close - he may, however, squeeze a little too tight).

Unfortunately, he's the wrong kind of cat for me.

Disclosure Policy

2007-05-26T13:00:00.000-02:30

This policy is valid from 26 May 2007.

This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. This blog accepts forms of cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions or other forms of compensation. The compensation received may influence the advertising content, topics or posts made in this blog. That content, advertising space or post may not always be identified as paid or sponsored content. The owner(s) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. Even though the owner(s) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements, we always give our honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers' own. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer, provider or party in question. The owner(s) of this blog would like to disclose the following existing relationships. These are companies, organizations or individuals that may have a significant impact on the content of this blog. We are employed by or consult with advertiser.

To get your own policy, go to Disclosure Policy Generator.

Net Speak: Hip Amongst the Lazy and/or Stupid

2007-05-26T00:38:00.000-02:30

Typing like a complete idiot actually takes effort for me. Maybe I'm just not in the loop or too old for the "cool" kids (never thought I would ever see myself saying that) but I truly do not understand the willingness of today's youngsters (and the not so young but wannabes) to torture and violate the written word.

Case in point: WeLcOmE To Ta DaRk SiDe oF mE. That took much longer than needed to type out. Now, I realize I'm only drawing attention to the said blog but it's absolutely, positively pathetic and honestly, it's one of the milder blogs of its kind. (It only takes 30 minutes to read a single entry whereas some take an hour or more to translate with dictionary in hand).

I do understand the need for short forms in chat or messenger simply to keep up with busy conversation but in forums or places such as Blogger there is no excuse. Personally, when I see a blog written with numbers for letters, alternating capitals, cud rather than could, etc I cringe and immediately stereotype them as lazy.

If a blogger can not take the time to properly type out a post then why should I as a reader take the time to decipher it?

$$$ - The Root of All Evil

2007-05-25T20:04:00.000-02:30

It's been awhile since I've felt the tight grip of stress in my chest and stomach. Its fingers curled and ripping. Not a happy feeling but one I am accustomed to, or at least I was back home, especially when it came to financial situations.

I won't bore you with the details of how we came to be in this predicament as it is useless drivel - 6 months that we can not undo or change. I will tell you this; buying a home, accessories (fireplace, sofa, dining set, curtains, gallons upon gallons of paint) and trying to live while on a LOA from our jobs back home on the small amount we received from the sale of our house did not help our cause. Mom's already gone back 2 months earlier than we were expecting.

While I am still employed back home I desperately need to start working ASAP but will not find out for another couple weeks if I got the job I applied for. I have no intentions of returning to Ontario but I'm just not ready to give up that security and alas, become officially unemployed. Mom doesn't go back to work until June 5th and won't see a pay for 2 weeks after that. Bills do not stop, food does not keep and my bank account is not getting any bigger, my friends.

I am trying other avenues but the lack in traffic to this blog is really going to tarnish my chances at a PayPerPost career. Hopefully AGLOCO will pull through.

AGLOCO

2007-05-25T16:02:00.000-02:30

I stumbled upon AGLOCO through random blog surfing and thought it was worth a shot.

Who couldn't use some extra cash just by doing what we do best? And it's FREE! There are no obligations (you can leave at any time) and no catches what-so-ever. Yeah, I probably wouldn't make it in the retail world but check it out, see what you think.

http://www.agloco.com/r/BBFB3163 is my referral link (I automatically get credit for referring you and helping to build AGLOCO) or click the image or any of the other AGLOCO links, same deal.

Help me help you and help yourself by helping me!

Win/Win situation? I believe so!

Give it a try, what have you got to lose besides the minute it takes to sign up?

Spewing Unmentionables

2007-05-23T13:25:00.000-02:30

I have been suffering bouts of nausea the last couple days. Trying to determine the cause has proved difficult. Week old egg salad that looked and smelt edible? Town water that has been under a "boil advisory" since April 27th? Yes, I did have a glass or two in hopes that the letter stating the chlorine has reached a satisfactory level missed my mail box after almost a month. Coffee? My java fixes in the mornings always send my tummy gurgling and other things running. Too many cigarettes...? I really can not pin point the culprit but I feel like I could vomit at any given moment and how I cringe at the thought.

I don't suppose anyone really enjoys "throwing up" but I especially try to avoid it at all costs, even if I know I will feel better afterwards. I realize it's my body's way of getting rid of the unwanted but the sensation of things that are meant to stay down coming back up in my throat and mouth...well, it's understandable.

From past encounters with stomach acid and other unmentionables I will never ever try to out drink a man who is almost double my weight again. I now know my alcohol limit (no mixing!) and will never cross that line and humiliate myself in the attempt to prove I can not only hold my vodka coolers but shots of sour puss and black and white russians - because quite obviously I will fail. Subway was a waste of $10 that night! Nor will I ever eat sausages from a concession booth, especially if I am the one cooking them.

After 4 long rainy, dreary days the skies are finally clear and the sun is shining. I would love to take the boys for a walk but the nausea has me weak and I fear being too far from a toilet.

Oh the irony...

Snippets of Home

2007-05-20T19:56:00.000-02:30

I originally thought painting was going to be an enjoyable process, something Mom and I would do together and while we did bond during this experience - in between the cursing and banging our heads off the walls of course - when you have a whole house to colour it quickly becomes monotonous and stressful.

From not only cleaning but scrubbing, to lots and lots of patch work, to priming and then the final coat (after 1 or 2 before it) it has been one hell of a metamorphosis. That's not including 34 cupboard doors (through out the house and after having 2 removed) plus 7 drawers that either needed new hinges or handles or both which often meant creating new holes. Oh, and the troubles with curtain rods! The hardware of today is just not meant for the houses of yesterday (this being a house that is approximately 100 years old).

Of all the rooms that had to be done which we started shortly after we moved in January 7th, all that's left as of today is the sun room, the upstairs hallway and finish Mom's room. Not too shabby at all. I am thankful that painting was really our only main concern. There is carpet we want to take up and have laminate put down, replace the ugly green toilet in the bathroom, do the mosaic tile on the kitchen counters, replace the kitchen floor but all in all we were lucky that we didn't have to totally gut the place.

Our lines are far from straight, there are flaws every where but I simply adore this house in all its faulted glory. Imperfect is my middle name after all.

Phantom Mom

2007-05-19T21:46:00.000-02:30

It's been 4 days since Mom left and life on this side of Canada has continued as normal. Back in Ontario, however, it's a different story.

Mom is having a difficult time with our separation which is strange as I thought it would've been me phoning her every day just to hear her voice. I certainly felt the butterflies before Mom left. I really didn't know what to expect from solitude once she returned to Ontario but solitude has been surprisingly kind to me. I have experienced moments where around the corner I expected to find her, sitting on the sofa fiddling around on her computer as that spot she could most likely be found. Other than that it really hasn't been that big of an adjustment for me. I suppose reminding myself every day the last 6 months that soon enough I'll be on my own and I'll have only myself to rely on assisted in my adaptation.

Guilt hasn't plagued me either for not feeling any remorse for our parting ways. I do worry about her though. Apparently she can not step foot inside Wal Mart or a grocery store without tearing up as those spots we frequented together.

My Past vs My Present

2007-05-18T18:21:00.000-02:30

I just spent an hour or so flipping through the pages of another online diary of mine that I conveniently abandoned almost two years ago (amazing it still exists). What is also amazing is seeing in written form the kind of person I was back then. I seriously pulled a 360.

I may have transformed for the better but there are some aspects of that life that I miss now. Feeling the fire in my fingertips. Maybe I'm just a little rusty but I was quite impressed with the colourful, albeit dark entries I created. Many of the great artists (Vincent van Gogh), poets (Sylvia Plath) and musicians (Wolfgang Mozart) of the past suffered from depression. While I do not miss the emotions that come with depression I do miss the creative spark.

I honestly do not know how to write "happy" entries. Everything I've known has been filled with anger and sadness - confusion and doubt. Writing was my outlet, my escape from those emotions. I no longer feel that way so a question arises... What now?

There has been many a night I have sat in front of this screen, wanting to feel alive again (as I did when I was writing) but I was blank. I am not without inspiration but happiness has been absent from my vocabulary and affections for so long I'm not sure what to do with it. Perhaps once I get to truly know happiness and experience all it has to offer maybe then the fire will return.

Until then I suppose I will experiment.

It's a Beautiful Sunset...

2007-05-16T20:39:00.000-02:30

I'm overwhelmed by the emotions freedom has graced me with. Mom and I said our good-byes yesterday afternoon at the airport after 26 years of togetherness - the last 6 months were 24/7 - today marking the first day of the rest of my life.

Mine. All decisions and responsibilies now lie on my shoulders. Am I the least bit worried? Not at all. I've been wanting this for awhile now but I've realized I wasn't completely ready until now. Although they weren't written all that long ago, looking back on the few previous posts I'm extremely proud of how I've grown. These past few months have been nothing short of [insert positive word(s) of choice here].

This house is pure symbolism of our/my journey. For all the renovations and changes we made here I made just as many within myself. Good-byes are never easy and I will and do miss my Mom very much but this life-changing experience was the best decision we could've made.

When Friends Turn

2006-09-23T01:42:00.000-02:30

It's a pivotal moment when friends turn on you for no apparent reason. Your ideas and dreams suddenly seem ridiculous to them and unnecessary comments are made. You feel inferior when you know you're better than that. Their "worry" is more like disapproval and support of any kind is non-existent.

Intuition bleeds green.

Envy is a dangerous feeling. It can tear relationships to shreds (as I'm currently experiencing). I can only suspect envy as the culprit for my friends surprising and hurtful behaviour but it makes a lot of sense.

I don't have anyone I need to answer to or children I need to tend to. I'm going some where in my life not many people can and I have the guts to do it.

It hurts when you finally realize the friends you thought you had were never friends at all.

Selling My Current Life. Any Takers?

2006-09-15T15:54:00.000-02:30

The past few months I've been up to my elbows in shit. I'm exhausted on so many levels. A whirlwind of emotions.

Our home of 13 years is up for sale. How do I really feel about that? I'm excited, nervous, scared, stressed... 'cause I know what comes next.

I'm not a fan of change but when you consider your current existence a life of bullshit, constant complaining and unhappiness change is all you can do. So, when all's said and done, I'll be out of province, over a day away to the east coast. I've never lived any where but here but people do this all the time. I'm beginning to realize why.

Away from the masses, the busy bustle of every day city life and I don't live in any hugely populated city either. Compared to some around here this is nothing but enough's enough and I've had it. Where I'm going is anything but busy, the kind of life I've been dreaming of.

However, it all looks fantastic through my minds eye. But what if, what if, what if??? There's no room for what if on our moving truck. It's not do or die, it's just do period and do so it works.

The house we want is cheaply amazing. Our backyard is basically the Atlantic ocean. That is the view from the kitchen/dining room windows. Maybe I won't mind doing dishes so much. Maybe I won't mind a lot of things.

Escape (Warning: Sexual Content)

2006-06-29T12:31:00.000-02:30

This past weekend was an awesome escape from reality. A much needed get-away that two of my girls and I had been looking forward to since April. Nine Inch Nails was playing in Toronto Saturday, June 24 and my girls bought tickets for my birthday. I seriously have the best friends in the world.

We left early Friday afternoon. Barely an hour into our weekend and we nearly ran - literally - into some trouble. I don't want to dwell on "almost" but we almost didn't make it to our destination. We were in the far left lane on the highway, belting out Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now and traffic had slowed right down. My friend driving didn't realize the car ahead was stopped completely until our navigator yelled for her to brake. Being in that lane saved our lives, my friend quickly reacted and swerved onto the shoulder, other wise we would've rear ended that car and at the speed we were going...it wouldn't have been pretty.

I've never been that close to an accident before. My friend apologized profusely and all I could think about was how grateful I was for her quick thinking. We laughed it off and talked about what could-have-been. It wasn't going to ruin the days ahead.

After getting lost we finally made it to the hotel an hour later. We relaxed, we drank, we ordered Pizza Hut and got ready to see some naked men. Both the driver and navigator are attached and therefore our plan to hit the strip club was/is to be kept secret from their significant others. I on the other hand was walking in worry free and I planned to totally let loose. However, when we arrived and was taken to our seats I felt like a dirty little pervert!

The entertainment was no doubt sugary sweet candy for the eyes. We each chose our own stripper and after a few $8 coolers I had no problems paying for a private show. Nicknamed Diesel, Mark (I later found out) came out on stage with the beautiful melody of Beethoven's Fur Elise. That alone won me over. The song then changed to - oh yes - NIN's Closer and I melted. It was no contest, Diesel was mine.

$10 gave me a little taste right there at our table. He swiveled my seat, spread my legs and rubbed himself all over me. It has been so long since I've been near a man, the smell and touch of him sent me soaring. Later on with a $20 dangling over my head he took my hand and led me to the VIP area.

He sat me down, once again opened my legs and invited me to undo his belt and unclasp the buttons to his jeans. "One more," he said. Already shirtless I marvelled at his abs and the tribal tattoo surrounding his navel piercing. YUM!

He took my hands and ran them over his chest and nipples then knelt down infront of me, his hands up on the either side of my head and nibbled at my breasts. My fingers traced over his smooth skin, the muscles in his arms, over his shoulder blades down to the small of his back and rested on the thin cotton of his thong.

"Are you trying to take off my underwear?" he asked playfully when I had the little piece of material under his cheeks.
"Never!" I giggled.

It was awkward at first, paying for such an intimate moment. It was quite tame when my friends and I compared stories of our experiences in the VIP room but hot and sexy none-the-less. When he was finished and dressed he kissed my cheeks and hand in hand he led me back to our table. With a half hug and another set of kisses he introduced himself as Mark.

Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about him ever since. So much so that I dug out my vibrator the other night. He was a gentleman and did his best to make me feel special. The perfect fix for this single girl.

Fireflies at Dusk

2006-06-17T00:19:00.000-02:30

I hung out with my not-by-blood fifteen year old strawberry blond kid sister last night. We talked, more like she talked and talked...and talked some more but it didn't matter. To her, I'm that non-family "grown up" that she can confide in and feel comfortable enough to ask awkward questions that would other wise make her blush if she were to ask her Mom. I feel special for that, to be that person for someone. At her age I was constantly searching for that person. I never did find her.

At dusk, feeling a little morbid, we went to where a good friend of mine is buried and drank tea. I told my sister the story of how she died and what she meant to me.

"Is there anyone you know now that you can compare her to?" she asked.
"Nope. She was in a league all on her own," I replied.

She was nine-teen when she died thanks to Crohn's Disease. That was five years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. After reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold what I previously thought of Heaven has changed. I know it's fiction but Alice's version of Heaven is much more appealing. Rather than everyone "existing" in one common place, every soul belongs to their own personal Heaven, surrounded by everything they loved and were passionate about down on earth. My friend would then have an endless supply of Coca-Cola at her finger-tips.

I also like to think my friend was looking down on us last night. Something I very rarely see in my town is fireflies yet last night there were two of them flickering and dancing about the trees and tombstones. I'm sure it was my friend saying hello.

Nothing Less of Fragile.

2006-06-13T16:32:00.000-02:30

I'm not going to pretend. Pretending is for amateurs. Truth? Four posts in one day equals pathetic but here I am.

Mom's going to be home from work soon and I'm going to miss my nightly escape with Phoenix due to BINGO with Gramma. Spending money trying to win some, the odds are less than likely but I'm going anyways. The BINGO hall is the only public place where smoking indoors is permitted and the funk of a hundred or so elderly persons actually over powers the smell of tobacco.

Go figure.

Phoenix Rising

2006-06-13T14:27:00.001-02:30

I'm on a roll and can't seem to stop. I've had so much to say and nowhere to say it that it's all been bundled up, screaming to see the light of day.

Phoenix has been my saviour through all of this. A dog yes but without his constant love and friendship I'd be totally alone. I'm planning for my next tattoo - a phoenix bird from which he was named. Symbolism of rebirth, the Phoenix burns itself in flames (fire being my element) and rises out of the ashes anew. My inspiration and source of strength to see through the upcoming years.

All Words and No Play...

2006-06-13T14:08:00.000-02:30

I've come to realize my extreme need for independence. I'm beyond hope for procrastination and rely on my Mother to keep me on task. I need the harsh reality of life to slap me in the face and put me into my place. I need a place of my own.

I've been dreaming about it for months now. I'm ready emotionally but financially proves to be a problem. I'm not talking a mere set back that I might be able to over come with a little budgeting. I mean I'm basically grounded here at "home" for another four years until our debt is paid off.

My Mother has a sly way of reeling me in with guilt. Single Mom trying to pay the bills all on her own. She fed me a story that I couldn't say no to. Thought I was doing some good, helping her accomplish her dream when all that came out of it was a new fridge, a water cooler and a couple dogs to keep us company while we're stuck here living our mediocre lives.

All we have is each other and whether purposely or subconsciously she's trapping me, not wanting to let me go.

How do you stand up to your own Mother and say it's time to move on?

Inventing ERZSÉBET

2006-06-13T03:30:00.000-02:30

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but it's the only excitement I have going for me lately.

I'm currently trying to reinvent myself. Twenty-five years old, it's about time I find out who exactly I am. I'm bored of me. I want to be so many things but it seems I have to break down this huge towering wall before I can do anything and I have neither the courage or strength to do so.

I'm trapped in so many ways. Freedom is light years away. I just don't think I have the patience to wait it out.