His world now my existence
According to Roget’s Thesaurus, a melee is anything from a fight or a brawl (or hmm.. a fracas) to a list of odds and ends, a potpourri or assortment of something, a mixture, a variety… even a salad.
So each Monday, I and those participating, will use the following and appropriately assorted prompts, to create a post of interest.
1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
Our stereotypical nature. Does it help to make sense of things we just can not understand by immediately placing people under categories simply by first impressions or glances?
Waitressing was a job I was considering upon arriving here in Newfoundland and applied at a near-by restaurant. An interview shortly followed but no call backs. I had later found out that the same place is in desperate need of help and was left confused until a friend of a friend whom works there called and broke the news.
Previously my face had been adorned in piercings, 3 plus my tongue. All, save for my nostril piercing, I have since retired as I have grown out of them - this being the reason I was not hired. My would-be boss offered no compromises, no declarations that the position could be mine if I would be willing to take them out (which I gladly would have).
My personal view on the situation is that I was not given a chance because he automatically assumed I fall under the oh-so-common labels that those with body modifications seem to unjustly fall under: rebels, irresponsible no-gooders, punks, gangsters, etc.
While I am in need of work and he is in need of workers I will not lower myself to his level.
2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
I believe the above person fits snugly here as well.
3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
I am unhappy that I have not found a job yet. I am unhappy that because I am currently on a leave of absence from my job back home I am unable to apply for the line of credit I so desperately need to lower my monthly payments on an existing loan.
4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
The cat for his patience, his willingness to help in whatever way he can, for thinking of me, getting me out of the house, showing me all these new and exciting Newfie experiences, for introducing me to his friends who are now my own. For being the wonderful person that he is.
5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
The responsible person I have become. My procrastination days are slowly fading into the past.
6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
After the last 250 or so cigarettes that I have left, I wish that the detox process will be quick and painless and my transition back to a non-smoker will be a rewarding and life long experience.
Oh, and of course, to find a job - soon!
I realize that everyone has the prerogative to change their minds. Mine was rather drastic after being so dead set against certain things and I suppose I felt a sense of humility over it. To be so sure about one thing only to take a tumble towards the exact opposite is humbly human yet I'm finding it difficult still to fall completely into the place I opened myself up for.
Everything this time has been refreshingly different from the others. From a purely platonic friendship where the slightest indication of intimate physical contact was abolished for 6 months to all forms of contiguity within a weeks time is a transition I am still trying to grasp yet it's as though I am finally set free.
Never have I dug so deep into the reasons for my actions. Why am I - was I being so cautious? Have I really grown this much that I am taking every precaution, to be sure I am getting into this for the correct reasons and not because I feel a sense of duty to a man who feels so strongly towards me? While it had crossed my mind I certainly believe there is no deed to be done. Everything up until this point has been on my own terms, whether the cat initiated it or not, whatever happened happened because I wanted it to.
When discovering the bigger picture the cat holds all the qualities, even some quirks which I had been picking at, using to convince myself that he was the wrong kind of cat for me. Appearances are deceiving but behind misty blues and the warmth of an expression lies so much more when given the chance to make themselves known.
While basking in the after-glow of my coastal journey Friday afternoon, as well as the glimmer of the few events that have taken place since, I've realized a few things. Thus my absence from the blogosphere - my brain and emotions have been on hiatus and until I could make sense of it all there were no words to write.
I'm currently singing to a different tune, a change of heart you could say. I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't giving the cat a chance. I had been closing myself off completely and the moment I allowed myself to open up everything appeared so differently.
I suppose it was the boat, meeting his friends and family, experiencing the other facets that make the cat who he is that done it. We have become quite close (everything that implies is true) since Friday and I have no regrets or hesitations. While it's not love, yet, it's something and something I have been denying myself of these past months.
Whether it was fear or just not wanting to jump into something I was not ready for I do not know but now that I'm here I'm not looking back.
Rugged, rustic and rough landscapes and terrain, everything I love.
The Gods in the form of a giant wall of ice.
The turquoise coloured water is the greater part of the berg below the ocean's surface.
Shallow water, pretty stones.
Introspective, soaking it all in.
Save for another fisherman checking his lobster pots and a friend of the cat's who we met up with along the way we were virtually alone. Similar to peering into a star studded sky, we were minuscule, owned by the great vastness of the deep blue and its current icy occupants.
Reality check checked.
For this week I've decided to capture a few of the every day things 
Being an Aries fire is my element and accordingly I've always been attracted to flame be it of a candle, a lighter, a match or a bonfire. I suppose I'm a little bit of a pyro. Although our electric (or liquid as the Newfie dialect transforms the word) fire place is not connected to a chimney (or chimley) and does not produce real smoke, or any smoke for that matter, it still provides a warm, comforting and relaxing effect. Perfect for calming the nerves and silencing the mind and it's safe too!
This mask has travelled far and wide. From Guatemala to The Festival of Friends in Ontario where we purchased him last summer from a very kind eclectic man and now to its permanent home here in Newfoundland.
A bed of any sort would normally speak for itself as being a provider of joy but it goes a little beyond being simply a place to rest my head at night. For 5 months I stared at the mattress and box spring still in the packaging, the frame still in the box. Mom and I slept on the futon in the dining room until we were able to finish my room which was placed lower on our list of priorities of areas to get done.
The pewter sun and moon essential oil diffuser that sends the sweet scents of calming lavender, inspiring lemongrass and cooling peppermint throughout the house. Unfortunately my oil supply is becoming sparse and its fire is lit sparingly.
My copy of Nine Inch Nail's Year Zero, a conceptual album about the end of the world, is the first CD I have owned that I can listen to from beginning to end without wanting to skip tracks or hear a select few more than the others. Every track is in a league of its own, however equally satisfying. Not every one's cup of tea but it certainly lifts my spirits and is a source of energy come cleaning time. Trent is a musical genius.
Weeping Yogi, extra large version (his two younger twin brothers are here also) was bought on one of our travels to Port Dover, Ontario when we sought Arbor Dogs and Golden Glow and a walk along Lake Eerie. One hand placed on top and one under neath, woes and grievances are focused into him and so he weeps, carrying those troubles on his back so you don't have to.
My handsome boys. Phoenix, the Mama's Boy, the sweetheart and Ashford, the pick-me-upper when I am down - literally. They make me laugh, they make me happy, they make me proud.
My retro phone, aesthetically pleasing to look at and sweet music to the ears when it sings. Our previous forms of communication being only our cell phones then a month without anything but the payphone on the north side of the island, which I may add while the location was breathtaking enjoying a conversation with loved ones in the middle of winter was dreadful and quick! 
How I've missed my Birkenstocks this winter! Three years old and I still love them as much as I did the first year. No other form of summer foot wear will I ever invest in again. I adore sandal season.
My happy art, a painting by an unknown artist found locally. I love the texture and the emotion the images invoke. I could stare at this for hours. I'm very much into the earth tones and the colours of the painting all tie in with the colours of the house.
Now this is a cuppa tea! Some would disagree with adding milk and sugar to specialty or herbal teas but I digress! This is what winds me down at the end of the day, the ultimate combination.
"Have you ever wondered how you would get through a difficult time, or where life is leading you? Have you ever asked, why Lord, why me? Often, I like to go to the water’s edge to get the answers. The sound of the waves rippling along the shore, and the beauty of a peaceful sunset help to bring a calming mood.
As I began to paint “Eternity”, I focused on the sunset’s power over the early evening sky. The fiery sunset revealed two paths. One went straight to the sun. The other crossed the horizon and faded away. Life is a journey of daily steps and decisions that take us to our eternity.
Our chosen path leads us to or away from God’s revealing light. So often, we wonder which way to go. We search for answers, direction and purpose. When faced with life’s overwhelming situations, we may not understand why things have happened or what we are to do. We must remember that we are never alone. God is all around us. He will be there every step of the way. Proverbs 3:5,6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” His path will sustain us through this life and lead to a wonderful Eternity!"
by Robert Bishop
I am not a Christian or Catholic or a believer in either as I am Pagan but this piece has always held a profound, magical meaning for me, even the scripture.
Eternity first made itself known to me 4 years ago at The Festival of Friends in Hamilton, Ontario. A festival both Mom and I looked forward to attending each and every year. It stuck with me as I now acknowledge it was a sign of the steps and decisions I would later make to determine my own Eternity.
I was pleased to see it again the following summer when I took the beautiful painting home. It now lives brightly on the wall beside my bed, complete with Robert Bishop's autograph and well wishes.
I have always been mesmerized by sunsets. Not so much the rises as I, myself, hardly rise early enough to take part. I look to the setting sun even more so now for peace and comfort and have been missing the warm rays and multi-coloured skies the last foggy couple of evenings.
Last night I suffered a spell of sadness and I am unclear as to why. I am where I've wanted to be, I am happy yet there is one thing missing. I have been spending some time turning to the past to find it, to relive those treasured moments and while the memories suffice, for now, it will not always be enough.
I was 17 when I first fell in love. It was passionate, wild, and adventurous - terrain I had never tread before. The summer after our first on the front porch of his brothers house with friends surrounding us, he lowered himself onto one knee.
"There's something I've been wanting to ask you," he said, looking up at me and revealed a small black box. My heart thumped, brow instantly covered in sweat, knees ready to buckle. It was a moment I had not been ready for or even anticipated but dreamed of.
He opened the lid of the box and the ring that was tucked inside was not the kind of ring I had been expecting.
His lips parted and words fell out that I will never forget.
"Will you wear my toe-ring?"
My heart dropped and eyes watered. Our friends laughed at my surprise and obvious disappointment. The kind of ring I had hoped for I did not receive from him but the toe-ring I wore throughout the next 4 seasons until it met its demise and snapped into 2 pieces and ironically, not long after that, we went our separate ways.
That kind of love and passion I've yet to experience again but Eternity gives me the hope that I am on the right path and some where along the trail love will make itself known to me as the painting had all those years ago.
According to Roget’s Thesaurus, a melee is anything from a fight or a brawl (or hmm.. a fracas) to a list of odds and ends, a potpourri or assortment of something, a mixture, a variety… even a salad.
So each Monday, I and those participating, will use the following and appropriately assorted prompts, to create a post of interest.
1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
Our often too quick to judge others mind-set based on one previous occurrence. The men and women in our past had done us wrong therefore the men and women of our present or future must also be wrong-doers. Same with dogs.
I was insulted before my morning java. While out with the boys in the side yard the Newfoundland Power man approached to check the meter.
"Can they reach me?" he hesitated, glancing at the stakes in the ground and the ropes connected to their collars.
"Yes, unless you don't want them to."
"No, I don't trust dogs."
"Oh, they don't bite!"
"I've heard that one before," and he proceeded to tell me the story of someone he knew being bitten (for reasons unknown) after the owner of the dog said the exact same thing.
"Golden's are known as being gentle giants," I laughed, trying to make him feel comfortable.
"Yeah, right."
I have stuck my fingers in their mouths during rough housing, their lips raised, teeth shown and never have they chomped down. Accidentally, when they've mistaken my hand or arm for a paw they have received a taste but the moment they realize it is me and not the other they release.
My boys are the sweetest and while I respect his choice to stay clear of dogs, the fact that he didn't give them a chance to prove him wrong and the way he handled the situation hurt.
2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
Purina right now is #1 on my phony, fraudulent or bogus list. You can feed with confidence and Committed to your pet's health is a load of bullocks.
When I discovered a couple nights ago after stumbling across Pet Food Tracker that Purina should have also recalled their food during and possibly before the March Madness with Menu Foods but refused to save their reputation I was devastated. Many people lost their dogs after feeding them tainted Purina brand Beneful because it didn't appear on the recall list, a brand I too was feeding my boys up until a little over a month ago when I switched to Champion Pet Foods brand Orijen.
These companies make so much money the absolute least they could do is stand behind their word and give the quality food they claim they are making for our animals.
3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
Companies with slogans such as: Your Pet, Our Passion, whose real passion is not our pets at all but the top dollar. We put our trust into them believing we are feeding our pets the best and this is our thank you.
Well, fuck you very much.
4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
A friend of mine, Jaycee, who turned me on to Orijen.
She educated me on the nutrition value (which there is none) and what exactly the ingredients are (animal digest??) and mean (if it doesn't say what animal it could be any animal) in these garbage foods like Purina.
If it wasn't for her the boys would still be on Beneful and the next bag I bought could've been the one that killed them.
5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
Listening to my friend and making the right decision to better the lives of my boys.
6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
For the death to stop and for other pet parents to educate themselves on the food they feed their furry children and to make the appropriate changes as well.
Boycott Purina!
Mom suggested I have a "me day" today, curl up on the sofa and veg as I wasn't quite feeling up to par, rather sluggish, not myself. It was a fantastic idea but I was restless and I knew the longer I stayed in one place the more I would think and thinking always seems to get me into trouble. My solution? I cleaned.
It was already my designated laundry day so I stepped it up a notch as a fresh home always makes me feel better, not to mention proud. However folding clothes, swiffering the floors, wiping down the fridge did not stop my mind.
When the cat called a couple nights ago around 10pm from the boat asking if he could spend the night as he was heading back out the following morning for the day I was annoyed. The emotional flux I had been experiencing should have been a warning of things to come but it was not and when he appeared at the top of the basement stairs at 1am, smiling and happy to see me my animosity was clearly visible.
"I should've stayed home rather than torment you," he joked.
"No, no. It's alright." But it wasn't.
I'm a softy, a push-over and after everything he's done for me, for us I knew I would've felt guilty if I had said no but I was not in the spirit for company and went straight to bed. Well, not before a hug and neck smooch of course. The next morning only added fuel to the fire as around 6:30am I was disturbed by the loud creaking and banging of large boulders being picked up and dropped into a dump truck right outside my bedroom window. This continued all day.
I expected the cat to be gone when I descended the stairs but peacefully on the sofa he lay. We had our daybreak fixes together and off he went. I did not arise to see him out and there was no see ya later hug.
The following days there were no phone calls or appearances at my door. I began to wonder if my point had been made albeit not in the way I had intended it to. I went through a fanatical blur figuring he was angry with me or thought I didn't want to see him again and as always I overreacted.
He's a fisherman after all and does not have to answer to me although he usually does. Words are spoken daily, if not in person over the phone. He calls to let me know when he's on his way out, he calls to let me know when he's on his way in but he explained tonight that he's been busy and his cell was out of range.
Some times the things we want and the things we do not want are one in the same.
Some time in March I became a part of the Facebook population after receiving a few friendly invites in my inbox. It was the perfect opportunity to stay connected with friends, family and co-workers back home who have computers. Rather than sending random pictures of my adventures through e-mail, on Facebook, I can upload as many as I wish and add captions 'cause who doesn't get frustrated flipping through some one's vacation mementos and not know a damn thing that's going on and find yourself having to constantly ask the who's, what's, where's and how's?
For anyone, if any such person exists, who is unfamiliar with Facebook it is one of the largest social networking sites on the net, closely along side with Myspace. What started out as being a network strictly for college and university students soon opened up to anyone with a Internet connection. If you listen to 102.1 The Edge in Toronto who hosted a Facebook related contest, CBC News who created The Great Canadian Wish List or if you watch the news at all most likely you've heard of Facebook.
From various employees losing their positions at their employments for pictures, posts or spending too much time on the site while at work to groups being created to bring awareness to political injustices, Facebook is making waves and rightly so.
I have found classmates, childhood friends, estranged family members all with a click (some of them found me) and while my friends list continues to grow shortly after the few initial wall posts with the typical Heys, how've you beens it abruptly stops. The connection becomes idle and I'm left with only a few who on a regular basis keep in touch.
The lioness above was taken from a friend who, on my own terms, I lost contact. She found me on Facebook and we've been politely exchanging messages, catching up on things I honestly do not care about. The friendship ended for many reasons, one being stalker-ish issues which I'm again noticing through the site.
If I happen to update my profile or add pictures to one of my albums and do not reply to one of her messages she is there asking if I've fallen off the keyboard. I am beginning to wonder if her children are being compromised for her time online. I am thankful that through cable wires and computer screens is and will be as far as it goes. I am sure that if I was back home she'd be asking to do coffee and rekindle a flame that has been permanently blown out.
Some final thoughts: Do be cautious of what you share with the online world, your real world could be jeopardized. As for stalking, I currently feel no threat but we all know that threat does exist from other lurkers. If you use Facebook do not add anyone you do not personally know to your friends list. My privacy settings are set high and there is no personal information included in my profile. This should all go without saying but time and time again someone out there proves that some sort of reinforcement will always need to be made.
Good luck and happy surfing!
01) If the destination you have been seeking appears to be less than desirable once you finally arrive after driving 3 days in a 2-door Sunfire crammed with boxes, 2 Golden's, a cat, your Mother and yourself - 6 hours of that on a ferry with no where to rest your head but on the table in front of you - sleep on it. It's always brighter in the morning.
02) Cherish the trivial things such as "movie time" with your Mom even if they are movies you've seen 100 times before and are played on a lap-top rather than the 27" TV screen you are accustomed to as 6 months will pass in a blink and she will be gone - these being some of what you remember.
03) If it is absolutely necessary to travel the 2 hours into the "big town" during the winter one must leave early morning, not early afternoon to avoid driving home on the darkened winding, rolling roads and risk sliding into the ocean as there will be no guard rails to protect you and your vehicle. Or worse, you may spot a moose but if you're lucky and your car is small enough you just might be able to drive right under it.
04) Sea salt diluted in warm water works well to disinfect and help speed the healing process when your beloved dog splits one of his pads open. However, wrapping the wounded paw in gauze and pulling a sock over it is a waste of time (but comical when he attempts to walk on it) as he will only kick or bite the make-shift bandage off. The cause of the injury is still unknown.
05) Do not always take your neighbours word when they tell you that you can use their phone any time you need to. Some times people say things to be hospitable but do not always mean them. A surefire way to know is when you knock at their door in the middle of a snow storm to make that important call and your would-be hostess has done everything but invite you in, you're obviously quite unwelcome.
06) When house hunting trust your instincts. The moment you feel it in your gut, when you begin moving in and you haven't seen the upstairs yet it is the right home for you. Do not allow the thick layers of dirt and grim, the grey and burgundy kitchen decor, the numerous cracks and holes in the walls and ceilings talk you out of it. They are only superficial. It is and will be worth it in the end if you are willing to put forth the effort.
07) Do not take it personally if a handful of the local women give you odd glances, are rather short with you or if they don't speak to you at all. It is not their fault they are ignorant. Not every "main lander" comes here to steal their men.
08) The men that are available are pushy. Be direct and firm if you are not interested. "I'm not looking for a relationship" is not enough. (I've yet to learn if "I do not feel for you the same way you do for me" works but I'll keep you posted.)
09) One way to determine the difference between green and dry wood is by how heavy a log is, not by the amount of foliage that covers it. The heavier the junk the greener it is. It is not suitable to burn all green junks in your wood furnace or stove as they do not burn as easily as the dry junks. Mix your wood for better and longer lasting flame.
10) When shovelling your driveway or outside of your home at any time for that matter be prepared to have passers-by slow to a near stop to stare are you. Remember, you are foreign to them. They can not figure out why you want to be here when the majority is trying their best to get out.
11) No matter where in Ontario you're from you're from Toronto. You can tell them 1000 times the name of your home town and it will forever be Toronto or simply the main land.
12) It's not only the "tip of the iceberg" as they say. What ice you see above water there is 10x that below the oceans surface. This being coined The Iceberg Capital of the World, that's a lot of bergs!
13) Most important lesson of all: Enjoy every minute of life and what life throws at you. It will make its turns, dips and sweeps but it's all about the attitude and how you choose to deal with it.
It is the ideal day for laziness. The temperatures are soaring, rain is in the air and in the grey clouds that refuse to allow any sunlight to stream through. It is the perfect day for nothing and nothing I have done since I awoke shortly after 10 (it is now almost 3).
I am hoping that any drops that may fall will hold off until later this evening. While I do enjoy storms whether it's a light pitter-patter or heavy down pour complete with loud bangs and lightning shows I have found something to look forward to every day and the sky's tears - if they may fall - will keep me from it.
I used to take the 15 minute drive to a park back home almost every evening - weather permitting. It was my alone time albeit Phoenix was always by my side. We wandered that park for hours through the trees, over the hills and watched the children play on the monkey bars. Back then Phoenix remembered his tricks and off his lead he walked. He's a good boy but it's been awhile since those days and I'm nervous about trying it again.
This island of Newfoundland is full of treasured spots I've yet to discover but I have found one that is within walking distance from the house. Both boys and I have gone to "Hospital Pond" the last couple evenings. Last night one of the neighbourhood kid's, who has taken a liking to the boys, accompanied me and from the moment we left the house and arrived at the pond I was wishing to be alone.
The pond itself is crystal clear and completely surrounded by a gravel path which takes roughly 25 minutes to walk the perimeter. It's a wonderful area with benches and gazebo's to rest along the way. I found myself becoming lost in my thoughts but Brandon's complaints of his sandals and the stones between his toes pulled me back.
He's a good boy too and I should have been grateful for his being there. It's strange to want to be alone when I've been on my own now for the past 3 weeks. Hearing another voice other than my own should have been welcomed. I wanted friends, I suppose I just wasn't expecting a 12 year old to be one of them.
The coloured stones paint a pretty picture.
Cliche but if pictures are worth a 1000 words...
We all have places we go to escape, to gather our thoughts or to just enjoy ourselves and the scenery.
Where's your spot?
